Much Inspired

As a kid, I'd raised myself on a diet of highly inspiring hindi cinema. True story. They were the perfect side order along with Maa ke haath ka khana (Transliteration: Mother's hand-cooked food). The movies were usually full of endearing gems like a woman pleading with a testosterone-charged Shakti Kapoor, "Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chood do" (Transliteration: Leave me alone for god's sake). To which, he'd laugh nonchalantly with a quick remark," Arrey, agar tumhe bhagwan ke liye chood doon to mein kya karoon? Prasad khaoon?" (Transliteration: If I offer you to god, will it get me one extra packet of moti choor laddoo?).  After which, the lady comes back with torn clothes, and declares, "Mein tumhare bachche ki maa banney wali hoon" ( Transliteration: Now you are so screwed, man. Wait till my hero brother comes and kicks your ass! What were you thinking when you tore my top?)

It takes great amount of skill to come up with those corny dialogues. No doubt. I can't forget the knowing smiles on the faces of the audience, who anticipated these dialogue much in advance. Where have those writers gone? I don't know if they still dish out screen plays between cups of tea, brought to them by one chotu from Ramu Kaka's road-side stall. But I think the post-90s liberalisation gave these fellows many alternatives. I know many who still entertain their fans by writing official emails in the corporate world. The only difference being, they don't need the proverbial Ghar ki jawan beti ( Transliteration: In-house bimbo) anymore. They just have the language, which they "mother+sister" by "reverting" from behind and "touch base" to their heart's content.

I can only imagine what kind of inspiring quotes that will come from the desktops of these connoisseurs of the cliche.

"Dont think about what the country does for you. Think about how you can value-add to the country with your vision for a sustainable business of manufacturing nuts and bolts"

" I have a dream. That one day, I will turn this into an organisation that manufactures highly advanced Hawaii Chappals with out-of-the-box thinking."

" Be the change you want to see in this organisation, which is committed to manufacturing butter-knives with cutting-edge technologies"

" All our dreams can come true – if you have the courage to align your thinking with the company's vision of manufacturing tricycles that can transform lives. Because at the end of the day, our target group is growing."

If

Just found this modern rendition of Kipling's classic 

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, 
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, 
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, 
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, 
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, 
           through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, 
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, 
If you can face the world without lies and deceit, 
If you can conquer tension without medical help, 
If you can relax without liquor, 
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, 
If you can do all these things, 

Then you are probably the family dog. 

What kind of an amateur writer are you?

I have an admission to make. I did read one issue of Cosmopolitan when I was in college. Yes, I know. I wouldn't be caught dead with that magazine today, but those were the days when I was younger, broke-er and preparing to give Electronic Power Instrumentation Circuits (EPIC) for the third time. And between an EPIC text book on Instrumentation and death itself, I'd prefer the latter and reserve the presidential suite in hell.

So coming back to Cosmopolitan, I remember being really fascinated by the magazine's personality quizzes.And ever since, I've been wanting to become a personality quizmaster. (If you know of any quiz clubs that help you hone your personality quizzing skills, let me know)

So here's one I just thought of for all the guys out there who've read Cosmo at least once, but hate to admit it :

"WHAT KIND OF AN AMATEUR WRITER ARE YOU?"

 What do you do when you come across a word like maladroit?
a) You work it out from your knowledge of word roots, which you learnt while preparing for the GRE.
b) You check out the dictionary and try using it the next time you write
c) Really? I didn't notice that word at all. I follow the flow of thought and don't stop at every odd looking word. The stream always finds its way across any boulder, after all.


What do you think is the hardest to write
a) A Letter to the editor of a daily for the intellectuals
b) A Letter to GQ magazine, which wins you Satya Paul tie
c) A Letter to Penthouse

Who is your favourite book
a) Facebook
b) Ayan Rand, especially "Fountainhead"
c) Did you just say "Who" is your favourite book? Was that a typo or were you trying elevate the book from its inanimate form?

What is the best thing you've written?
a) A FB status I wrote the other day when I wrote "I just failed a How Well Do You Know Sudhir Pai quiz". Got it? Well it got me 10 likes, 6 friend requests and 4 pokes.
b) Well, this article that got published in my college magazine. It was a big deal. Why I even mentioned it on my CV
c) A note I wrote for someone. Which was promptly returned with her phone number (Wink!)

If you were to attempt writing a book...okay lets make it easier. So if you were going to start writing a blog, what would be your first post about?
a) About Me? Duh!
b) The name of the blog. Yes, those need to be something inspirational.
c) It would be just like the intro I've written, for the book I've been attempting to write, but just cant find the time to complete it.

What did you think of this quiz?
a) You mean it's over. Cool. Let me check out the....WHAT THE....
b) Aren't you surprised I'm still here? I've seen these quizzes before...did you actually write it yourself?
c) A very decent attempt as an amateur writer. But there's much room for improvement. Especially with the humour, which at times seems very forced. And at times, very copied. But that's our little secret, old chap. It's like what Mark Twain said about plagiarism, you know. (punch on the shoulder!)

RESULTS

Most As

RANK AMATEUR

You were the chap who topped in English in your 10^th boards. And you did no serious writing for a few years, because you were focused on cracking IIT JEE, and later topping your graduation. You were also the guy who aced GRE with a 700 in verbal or a 99 percentile in CAT and became an authority in English on the strength of knowing more words. The smart boy who reads The Hindu over TOI, because it improves your English. You've read every book that people will talk about, e.g. Argumentative Indian by Amartya Sen, Who Moved My Cheese by Dr. Spencer. You have a strong opinion on the written language, but have never attempted to write anything more than a Facebook status message. Or an introductory blog post to your personal blog with the word “Ramblings" or "Rants" on its title. Or a corruption of a song title like Simon & Garfunkel's "Dangling Conversation"

Most Bs

AMATEUR

You won inter-school writing competitions. You maintain a diary of your own ‘poems’. You jumped on to the blogging phenomenon very early, and have made a genuine effort in keeping it running. You possess the ability to make clever observations and then articulate it with words. But rarely do. For instance, you'd have thought of half the things mentioned here, and then said "Damn it! Why didn't I beat him to that joke." You have identified literary influences, and remember some of your favourite lines and phrases from the books you've read. And you quote it to impress. Women mostly. Like the time you said "It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities" to someone who you knew hadn't read Harry Potter. You may also have a letter which got published in a daily or a magazine, and continue writing to publications with a hope of winning a prize for it.

SERIOUS AMATEUR

You appreciate writing in any form, be it a greeting card or a technical journal on Rectoscopy. And that's because you appreciate the importance of writing styles. You are a serious blogger who writes authoritatively on various subjects. Even if it's a subject that involves you to make tongue-in-cheek statements like "Check out those buns" when you are outside the neighbourhood bakery. You are a voracious reader and a completist when it comes to authors whose writing you admire, be they those who write for Economist or those who made a career out of writing joke books. You don’t have a favourite writer or book, but could list down exceptional writers based on their subjects of expertise. You may also be approached as a freelance writer for many assignments( Call me!), or may even have gone on to write the title of an unpublished book, which you are hoping to write every night. Okay, on weekends. Make that Sunday evenings after you are done watching the latest season of Big Bang Theory, which by the way you watch only because of it's smart writing.

God! How much work!

 On the first day...I was hung over. After a weekend of binges. "Let there be no light", I say as the curtain is drawn in my room. "You are late for work!!", I'm told, by my seriously concerned old man. No amount of coffee can help me get started at work. So I spend the day playing Solitaire.

On the second day...There was no water in the loo. Annual water problems every summer. The water tanker is stuck in the rush hour traffic. "Let there be rains, so I have a valid reason to walk in late", I say. There are no rains. But then I'm flooded with work when I reach office at half past noon. Surely, I cant be expected to finish it all. Let me just sign in to Facebook.

On the third day... I'm woken up by vibrations. Phone is under the pillow, again. "What on earth is the matter?", I bark. "Meeting at 12. And it's a two-hour drive. We have to leave immediately", I'm told. Stuck in the traffic. We push the meeting by an hour. The client rushes off for another meeting. we wait for another two hours. For a three-hour meeting. On how we can be more productive with our deliverables. Hell. With all these meetings, when does one work?!

On the fourth day...I reach the work-in-progress meeting on time, but I have no idea what's happening. As always, I'm kept in the dark. It took me the whole day to figure that there has been no progress at work. Shucks! And it's Thursday already.

On the fifth day...the office is teeming with managers who are never seen during the week. "Too much work for one day", I crib. "Cant work on a Friday evening", I decide. And I go out for drinks.

On the sixth day...I head off to work. At a time the world is lazying around in bed. "It's Saturday Morning!!", I cry out loud. "It better be fruitful", I'm warned. The amount of work multiplies, and fills the desk, with me subdued by it. After a long day, I'm done for the week. Well, only just. I see the amount of work completed after a week's labour, and I say to myself "Very Good". And I go out drinking.

On the seventh day...I spend the day in bed. Watching Season Three of Friends. For the fifth time. And I saw that it's good. Still. Maybe the next week will get a little interesting. With such wishful thinking, I go out drinking.

I'm drinking from my saucer

Found this poem on a link dad shared with me a couple of days back, written by an eternally satisfied John Paul Moore. I can't relate to all that he says, but I simply loved the teacup metaphor. Check it out.

I've never made a fortune and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow.
And as I go along life's way, I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed.

I haven't got a lot of riches, and sometimes the going's tough.
But I've got loved ones around me, and that makes me rich enough.
I thank God for his blessings, and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong, my faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke, and the sun peeped through again.
 So God, help me not to gripe about the tough rows that I've hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed.

 If God gives me strength and courage, when the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings, I'm already blessed enough.
And may I never be too busy, to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed.

The Story Remains the Same

Here’s my version of a story I’d heard five years back. Which itself was, at that time, a new version of a story I’d heard twenty years back. But for all the transformations the world has seen, little it seems has changed in this story – the story of the Ant and the Grasshopper.

The Ant works hard in the scorching heat all summer building its house and hording up supplies for the winter.

The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. You know what happens next. But here’s where we cut to the modern times.

Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed, while others like him are cold and starving.

At this point, NDTV, Aaj Tak and Barkha Dutt show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The world is shocked by the disparity in living conditions. How can this poor Grasshopper be allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house. Anna Hazare threatens to go on a fast unless the government approves the Lokpal bill and probes into the Ant's assets. Arnab Goswami invites the Ant for an informal hearning, but gives him an earful.

The Ant becomes a trending topic on Twitter. Hundreds of tweets are written. Thousands of RTs follow. Many of whom decide to share it on FB too. And thousands of requests of “I’ll copy this one” follows, with many more FB walls updated. Why, even Chetan Bhagat has something funny to say about the Ant. And his post gets 3175 Likes and 584 Shares.

There is also a fair amount of support garnered by the Grasshopper. KCR invites the Grasshopper and his family to live in his new found state. Maya paints a picture of a bright future for the Grasshopper and his clan in all the four states she’s created. N Srinivasan agrees to send the Indian Cricket Team to Namibia for a one-off T20 in the middle of the IPL Season, for a charity match played for the Grasshopper and his community. A couple of weeks later, Sachin dedicates his 100th Half-century in ODIs to the Grasshopper.

More activity follows on all forms of Media. TOI initiates “Grasshopper ki Asha” and organizes a Page-3 event in a new city every weekend to spread awareness. Greenpeace spams 39,217 mailboxes to subscribers who couldn’t remember when they’d signed up for the damn thing. A email forward which encourages people to “mail this to 10 other friends and earn yourself a lifetime of good fortune and a 50% discount coupons for all forms of penis enlargement” starts doing the rounds, targeting those who still maintained their hotmail accounts.

This is when the government decide to take matters in their own hands. Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties observe a 'National Bandh' in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a judicial enquiry. The Right-wing extremists blame a foreign hand (Hint: The country in question is not to be named. And it appears in the left of India when you are facing India’s political map.) The Centre is…hung.

Disgusted by the developments, the Ant’s lawyers convince him to go west and seek asylum (i.e. apply for H-1B Visa). After a few hours of consultation with the Passport Baba at Lucknow, that is.

After a year of noise, the Judicial Committee drafts the State Operation to Protect Grasshoppers Against Poverty (STOPGAP). Arundhati Roy calls it 'a Triumph of Justice'. Ashok Chavan offers to build a building in the heart of Mumbai for the Grasshopper and his followers. Ramalinga Raju pledges to build an IT company that will promote the IT skills of Grasshoppers. And finally President Obama invites the Grasshopper for a UN conference, and nominates the Grasshopper for the Nobel Peace Prize for his fight for equality.

Many years later...

The Ant continues to slog all year long in sunny California and hordes up his millions for the next Ice age. The Grasshopper gets grilled for his millions by the CBI, Income Tax department and Arnab Goswami. And India remains the world’s largest developing country.

What would you do with all the money in the world?

Yes. I'm broke. As you may have already guessed after reading my flawed plan of robbing a bank. Who was I fooling? I couldn't even afford to pay the Auto-rickshaw fare to the bank(by the meter that too), let alone buying the equipment needed for an Italian job of stealing public money(Sorry, couldn't avoid a very subtle reference to one political figure here. Nudge! Wink!)

So now it's back to dreaming about a lottery that would get me USD 34,643,788,127.75 after tax deductions. I'm just waiting for the rupee to stabilise before I convert these dollars into my favourite currency.

You'll agree that it's a legitimate dream to have. Even if you work for the Income Tax department. You dream of buying a Porsche as a kid. You don't dream of paying taxes, do you?

But the problem I see with such an exercise is I wouldn't know what to do with so much money. Or at least with what ever is left after buying that flat in Hyde Park, a 100m-long Yacht, putting a fair amount in fixed deposits, recurring deposits, demat accounts, mutual funds, life insurance, house insurance, car insurance, housing loan, car loan, PPF accounts, the taxes for all of the above and then answering every call from the HDFC call centre with a "Yes, I'd like to invest in that savings plan. How much should I write the cheque for? Is that the most I can pay? no? What is?"

Yes, it's true. This would be the case for anyone from any walk of life. After all, why walk when you have a chauffeur-driven private jet. No more worrying about the electricity bill, especially when you can buy out a power plant. No more telephone bills, when you own both, the company that manufactures the phone and also the service provider. No more water problems. Hell! You could simply order for a glacier to be delivered home every fortnight. And on a weekly basis when you are entertaining guests.

Well, money cant buy happiness. But then I'm guessing it's a lot better to feel miserable when I suffer a bout a diarrhea during my midweek escapade to my private continent that's east of Australia, because the Oysters were cooked in a wine that's 212 years old and the Kopi Luwak was a touch too strong. Oh and before I forget - look, my USD 74 Million Boeing Business Jet is bigger than yours.