IPL's Shitty Moments of Success

Good Evening, Hyderabad! Are you ready for a Standard Fireworks Sivakasi cracker of a game awaiting you at the Paradise Biryani International Stadium?

At the toss, captain Sanga called Pantene Silky & Shiny heads and it was the Pepsi Right Choice, Baby! He has elected to have a Puma Cricket Gear bat.

At this point of time, all three T.I.M.E Classes 100% Results are possible.

It's important for Royal Challenge Bottle Openers to give the Lodha's home team a Cadburys Shubh Aarambh start to the innings.

All the viewers are Sonata Watching the game thanks to the kind Sahara Group support from our
 Kisna Diamond sponsor Pepsi, our Malabar Gold sponsor Vodafone, and our Yes Bank group of local businesses who agreed to our terms of sponsorship with an affirmative.

A Lays Magic Masala crisp shot to the covers takes the home team to score of 45 for BSE All Profit No Loss. 

The Ghajini Replay clearly tells us the batsman's time at the crease is 7 UP.

The batting seems to be running out of Appy Fizz., and they'll need some Servo Premium fuel to go the Xtra Mile.

After the fall of four Star Plus Kamzor Kadi Kaun wickets, the lower middle order is left to lay a Hathi Cement foundation for final over Channel V Big Hits.

There is no margin for Microsoft Windows error and the bowlers have to maintain their Natraj Geometry Box line and length.

Taking quick Shaadi.com singles is the the Link Locks key to T20 success.

When you take wickets regularly, half your XBOX Halo battle is won.

That's Pulla Reddy Sweetly timed, but it finds the Godrej Safe hands of the man at Ohri's Nautanki Gully.

The American Express Travelers Check bounce seems to have added some Priya Pickle spice to this game.

Lets not take away anything from the bowling side who have put in an Dr Batra's clinical performance and exploited the opposition's Apollo Hospitals injury problems.

The Spice Jet visitors are preparing for what could be a Royal Stag high-spirited chase.

The ball was Mahindra Logan extra-wide, and it was deposited for a Yes Bank Maximum.

The bowler now Fedex delivers a slower ball, which the batsman Gillette Mach 3 edges to the Victoria's Secret first slip.

The game is going down the Havell's wire. Both teams deserve to Play Lotto win.

The Asics long hop was dispatched with the Venky's meat of the bat for a certain boundary. What a Nerolac finish!

At the end of the day, EA Sports Cricket 13 was the winner. This was indeed a great advertisement for the game.




  

You Say Best When You ... Got The Look.

What's the dirtiest look that you have got from people?

Is it the "What have I done to deserve this?" look you get from your mother when you show her your FB status message in response to "how was your day"?

Is it the "Will you please retire that stupid line aready?" look you get from your friends who may have heard you  crack your favourite "Good from far, but far from good" joke the 487th time since college?

Or is it the "How do you always manage to piss off a woman and not get hit on your forehead with both her stilettos?" look that you get from a woman who has just met you, and courteously laughs when you ask her something cliched like, " Are you a celebrity? Because everyone seems to be turning around to have a good look at you?" 

Now just imagine if these looks could become a full blown conversation between the other members of a group who have been subjected to something very inappropriate. Lets just say you are a single man in a group that has husband 1 and wife 1, husband 2 and wife 2, BF 1 and GF 1 and finally BF 2 and GF 2. And in this august company, you choose to unleash your joke # 30 which goes, "I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I sure love to make a bed rock." Here's what is likely to follow in a fraction of a second:

Husband 1 to Husband 2: *Ha! Ha! Ha! Quickly check out how the women react* look

Wife 1 to Wife 2: *I dread to think of the foolish woman who'll marry him* look

GF 1 to GF 2: *No wonder he's still single* look

BF 1 to BF 2: *No wonder he's still to get laid* look

Wife 1 to Husband 1: *This is the last time we invite him home* look

Husband  2 to Wife 2: *Hey! I just met him recently, okay!*look

GF 1 to BF 1: *Please tell me this is not how you behave when I'm not around* look

BF 2 to GF 2: *Chill! He's probably had a drink too many* look

Wife 2 to Wife 1 : *Thank god nobody laughed* look

GF 2 to GF 1: *  Lets pretend not to have heard it and change the subject *

Husband 1, Husband 2, BF 1, BF 2 to each other: * Should we laugh now before it gets worse?* look

You to yourself: *shucks, nobody heard me. Let me just tweet this one* look

 

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 12

Mark Twain once said, "The ink with which history is written is fluid prejudice". The great man could very easily be referring to what's been happening right from the time the first piece of this series was written. However, that may not entirely describe the events of the 70s that we are going to discuss. 

1970 – Mick Jagger is fined 200 pounds by the law authorities for possession of Cannabis. Today, he sets a fine example for law-breakers by a possession of 200 pounds of Cannabis at any given time.

1971 – Sylmar earthquake hits the San Fernando Valley area of California. Following years sees it become the Pornographic Capital of the world. Years later, RHCP could have aptly described the state of San Fernando in the lyrics of Californication –destruction leads to a very rough road, but it also breeds erection – but they didn’t.

1972 – A theft at the Watergate complex resulted in much embarrassment for the US Government with President Nixon forced to resign over threats of impeachment. It also opened a floodgate for the nomenclature of a number of scandals that followed, each of which was suffixed with the word gate.

1973 – A tennis match titled “Battle of the Sexes” saw a 52-year old Sir Bobby Riggs get beaten by the 26-year old Billy Jean King in three straight sets. Riggs proved that while most women refuse to reveal their age, men refuse to behave their age.

1974 – IRA bombs pubs in Birmingham, only after the beer was consumed.

1975 – Cod War breaks out between Britain and Iceland when Iceland extends its fishing rights to 200 miles. Perhaps the only time in history when fishing becomes competitive.

1976 – The world’s longest Pier is destroyed by fire. It’s what they call poetic injustice.

1977 – The first Apple Computer goes on sale. Steve Jobs buys his first of many Black Turtlenecks.

1978 – Arcade games invade retail space with the launch of Space Invaders

1979 – For the first time in history in 1979 a woman Margaret Thatcher is elected Prime minister in the UK. Also for the first time in history, men resort to the English joke of the “Home Ministry” while referring to the missus.

This brings us to the last part of our Timeline series. Partly because the author cannot bring himself to be a part of History of the following years, owing to his own birth in the early 80s. Mostly because too much seems to have happened in his lifetime. This however does not mean the series ends. Quite the contrary! In fact, we’ll now revisit any chapter in history at random, and go into greater depths in our search of historical histrionics. As Calvin( The famous six year old philosopher) puts it, “ History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction”. So until our next attempt at rewriting history, so long!

We Didn't Start The Spoofing

I've always wanted to write my own version of this Billy Joel song. But thought it's just easier to spoof it.
So sing it to the tune of  We Didn't Start The Fire

When Billy Joel wrote this song, we found it really long,
It was way before our time, with a little sense of rhyme,
As we grew we understood, it was stuff that's really good
A History lesson of his time, a long list with little rhyme

What it really helped us do, was make us believe we can too,
Write a song that's just a list, with the odd rhyme but no twist,
There was one change though, History really had to go,
The topics would only range, from bizarre to very strange 

We didn’t start the spoofing
It was always with us
Since the song had hit us
We didn’t start the spoofing
Oh, we never knew it,
But we want to do it

Now you can write these lyrics too, here's what you got to do
Make a list of things you know, rhyme along as you go,
The song has an easy tune, that you'll sing from July to June,
Sing it till your lungs go dry, and your tonsils start to cry

So make a list of things you like, or a list that'll totally psyche, 
Politics or pop art, even some marketing fart,
Try to be a little clever, change your subject to whatever,
Or like a bunch of nerds, sing something totally absurd 

We didn’t start the spoofing
It was always with us
Since the song had hit us
We didn’t start the spoofing
Oh, we never knew it,
But we want to do it

As addictive as meth, spoofing this is done to death,
But it's fun as you can see, and easy as A, B, C,
If the song runs off course, let it not kill your driving force,
Take it till you go wrong, and close it like any silly song

We didn’t start the spoofing
It was always with us
Since the song had hit us
We didn’t start the spoofing
Oh, we never knew it,
But we want to do it.
 

Class Photograph by Douglas Dunn

We were Elizabethan girls and boys, 
Too young for politics, too old for toys. 
Then Hungary and Suez changed all that, 
Or so it feels in tired old retrospect. 
Nostalgia corrodes the intellect. 
It makes you want to eat your coat and hat.

One foot in childhood, one in adolescence, 
Rock Around the Clock made far more sense 
Even than The Battle of the River Plate – 
Stiff upper lips and Royal Navy dash, 
Its Technicolored brio and panache 
Heroic, gore-less, brilliant, out of date.

Like Ovaltineys in their Start-rite shoes – 
It catches up on you, it really does, 
This looking back, this old class photograph. 
Be-blazered in our uniforms and ties 
(Who he? Who she?) – pensioners in disguise 
As who they were, a pictured epitaph.

Pillar-boxes still red (though not much else is) 
And the scarcely visible orthodoxies 
All still in place, plus global urgency, 
Destructive wars abroad . . . And yet, God bless 
Democracy, dissent, and the NHS 
Which underpins our civic decency.

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 11

It appears the Mad Man's History Lessons have finally found some audience here. So while we were very tempted our class there, we remembered our biggest learning from history, which is it'll be forgotten anyway. We don't remember why we brought this up. Perhaps its Historian's curse - remember what everyone forgets...and forget everything else. So we'll celebrate a full 8.33% increase in the readership of this blog by revisiting the mid 50-s and the 60s.

1956 -  Egyptian leader Gamal Abdel Nasser vows to reconquer Palestine. But that's only after he could figure  where it was. Which he never did.

1957 -  Russell Endean becomes the first batsman to be dismissed for having handled the ball in test match cricket. The ignominy hurt him so much, that he never again removed his pelvic guard.

1958 -  Sputnik 1 (launched on October 4, 1957) falls to Earth from its orbit and burns up. It’s renamed Kaputnik.

1959 – Fidel Castro becomes premier of Cuba. He begins writing his memoirs “ Fidel Castor. Or how I learnt to stop shaving and love the beard.”

1960 – CIA Spy Gary Powers’ U2 Plane is shot down by soviet missiles. Many Americans still think it was bad weather that took Powers to Soviet skies.

1961 – 5 African chiefs from United Arab Republic, Morocco, Ghana, Guinea and Mali plan for a NATO-type African organization to ensure common defense. After their first meeting at Casablanca, they can’t resolve the argument as which dialogue was better, “Play it once, Sam. For old times' sake” or Here's looking at you, kid.

1962 – The Beatles are shown the door at several studios, because “Guitars were on their way out”. Last heard, the guitars are still playing, though mostly they are Beatles covers.

1963 – Travel, financial and commercial transactions by United States citizens to Cuba are made illegal by the John F. Kennedy Administration. Cuban Cigars however, still find their way to America.

1964 – President Lyndon Johnson announces War on Poverty, while ordering a pack of fries to go with his Hamburger from McDonalds.

1965 – Cigarette Advertising in Banned on British Television. Advertising Agencies find new ways to improves, by getting their employees to smoke more cigarettes than ever before.

1966 – The new Batman TV Show starring Adam West as Bruce Wayne, is almost a spoof of Batman. Till date, Adam West continues to spoof himself.

1967 – ATM is introduced. Several people throng it, only to realize that you’ll get nothing out of an ATM if you have no money in the bank.

1968 –  British Prime Minister Harold Wilson endorses the 'I'm Backing Britain' campaign for working an additional half hour each day without pay. Workers demand an increase in the duration of Tea Time by half an hour.
1969 – Apollo XI. One small step for man, one giant leap for conspiracy theorists. 

Masterji, Yeh North - South Divide Ek Bilang Choti Kar Do!

So the other day I’m told by a well-meaning South Indian friend that Delhi is a cruel and shallow shithole, run by a bunch of the proverbial canines who are always on the lookout for a quick bite of Hot Dog, where thugs and molesters have a free hand, that too literally. And that’s only on a good day.

   

"That's enough!", I said to myself. It can’t be so bad, can it? If nobody else will try their hand at it, I’ll attempt to patch up this North-South divide. Despite the few pricks I’m likely to encounter along the way, as is the case in any such endeavour. After all, a few pricks are a given when you try to sew up the secular fabric of the country, eh?

Yes. Delhi’s image down South has reached an all-time low. And when we refer to Delhi, we refer to everything north of Bombay, and besides Bengal. With the recent movement of a younger population, and owing to their brash advertisement of where they hail from, Delhi has become the new Punjab. But up there, we probably still remain Madrasis.

They are likely to view us as a bunch of Sambar eating, dhoti wearing, mustache adjusting, BPO accent sporting, Rajnikant fans who have pickles with everything we eat, including chewing gum. While we view them as a bunch of humour-impaired, Fair & Lovely consuming, SUV-driving, Yo Yo Honey Singh style swearing snobs whose biggest accomplishments in life include speaking Hindi without a South Indian accent and making ‘un-fair’ comments on our complexions. De Taali! (Heard that? He said “Thali”. LOLz!)

Unfortunately, when people resort to blind stereotyping, they are usually 100% accurate. Or at least that’s what they’d like to believe. But then, just because we belong to different sides of the Vindhyas, it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, right? Okay! Fraands if you insist, yaar. After all, we were always united by our irritation of one Cyril Radcliff’s inability to know where to draw a line, no? A fact we’ll remember as long as India and Pakistan play cricket!

History suggests that all this North-South pow-wow began when one Nanduri Ekadri Venkata Ramakrishna Reddy picked up a fight with another South Indian colleague in Amadalavalasa, because the victim never got his name right. (The fight was then referred to as NEVR Reddy Battery by a Times of Vindhya scribe).  Having a desire to live up to his proud family name, Mr. Reddy moved up North and called himself Ram. The change of name and postal address however would hardly help him escape the ignominy that was due to him, once he was labeled a Madrasi.

Many years have passed, and since then, Delhi has witnessed a lot of Southern influence. What with South Delhi, South Block, and even Southern Comfort whiskey. In an act of reciprocation, the North has found its way into the hearts of South Indians. What with Parota(what you call, Parantha), Pakora ( What you call Pakoda), Paneer Butter Masala( What you call Paneer Makhanwala) and the subsequent Delhi Belly( Call it what you like) becoming as much a part of the South Indian diet as Poori( What you call Poodi), Podi(Now you know why we call it Poori), Pickle (After having which, you'll only call for paani) and ulcers.

  

This kind of history cannot be disturbed over petty things like who has hotter summers and who has hotter tempers. Which is why I call upon you, my fellow South Indian friends to bring out your spiciest jar of Avakai Pickle to welcome our brethren from Bhagat Singh Marg, our chums from Chanakya Puri and our pals from Pitampura, and make them feel at home. After all, we all need someone to laugh at, don’t we?