Whats New? What News?

There comes a time in your life when cheap thrills cease to be...well, cheap. When everything you do is subjected to a cost-benefit analysis in a neat looking excel sheet titled "daily expenses", and the high point of your day is a five rupee coin you magically discover when your fifth-hand semi automatic Washing Machine starts rattling a new tune. And that's when you start asking yourself, "When is the next pay check coming, b******d?" You also discover at least 91 new words in a reply to "What's new?" ( If you include the words in the parenthesis, make that 102)

Lets call it the quarter crisis. It's not to be mistaken for quarter-life crisis, when the hair you lose on your head magically appears in places you'd never imagined, like ear lobes. More about that later, after a few years hopefully.The quarter crisis occurs when you accompany friends to a swanky bar and realise you cant even afford any more than a quarter bottle of your favourite drink. And that's when you make a calculated decision like, "I think I'll stick to beer only. One Kingfisher pint, please."

Yes, much has changed. New job. New city. New companion. New friends. New books. New ring on the finger. New found obsession for loose change. But mostly, it's still the same. Still cribbing about how expensive things are. Still complaining about how little I save. Still whining about how little time I have for myself. Still trying to catch up on lost sleep. Here's to "same old, same old". Cheers, I guess. 

Bombay's Not-to-do List

1. Hop into a fast train when you don’t know if it will stop at your destination

2. Hop into Virar Fast, even if you know where you are headed

3. If you ignore point 1 and 2, then get into a Virar Fast and joke about how it’s too slow to be called fast

4. Make a cricketing reference to point 3, like calling the Virar Fast the Venkatesh Prasad of the Mumbai Local Trains

5. Ask a station master where to buy tickets

6. Show off your first class pass

7. Ask two people on which side the platform comes. The first one will take offense at your lack of trust

8. Joke about how people here love hanging out with friends in trains, quite literally

9. Tell somebody that you won’t be getting off at the next stop

10. Fall asleep while you are standing inside a crowded train

11. Get off a train against the momentum

12. Wait till the train stops at Kurla

13. Ask a local to wait in the auto queue

14. Hop into an auto and call the man bhaiya when he talks to you in Marathi

15. Try explaining to the “bhaiya”(or not) that Khar 19^th road is the same thing as Khar Uneesva.

16. Try taking an Auto at Kurla

17. Try looking for an Auto at Dadar

18. Hop into a bus at South Bombay. Five stops later, you’ll find that you are still at a walkable distance from your first stop

19. Hop into a bus when you only need to get off at the next stop

20. Listen to the cabbies sob story. He watches more Reality TV than you do

21. Ask the man on the street where you’d get the best vada pav

22. Calling any deal from Chor bazaar a steal

23. Support any team other than Mumbai Indians. Even India wouldn’t do

24. Bring up the subject of Sachin’s poor form

25. Bring up the subject of Sachin’s retirement

26. Ask people how much rent they pay. It’s worse than asking them how much they earn

27. Ask a hakim on the street where you could find the closest medical store

28. Ask a roadside vendor where’s the nearest ATM

29. Ask a Sandwich walla where he buys vegetables

30. Ask the pani puri walla where you could buy drinking water

31. Stand in front of Shah Rukh Khan’s house just to call one hardcore fan and tell her that. You just look like an idiot

32. Argue with a fan that SRK is actually a delhi boy

33. Go to a Bombay beach to smell the fresh ocean air

34. Go to Leopold’s and insist on a fast service

35. Go to Mondegar’s immediately after Leopold’s

36. Ask a Teen Batti resident why its called Teen Batti

37. Tell him why it’s called Teen Batti

38. Wear your best pair of shoes if you are pandal hopping during Ganesh Chathurthi

39. Take a train on Ganesh Visarjan day

40. Search for the fort at Fort

41. Ask for Kala Ghoda once you’re at Kala Ghoda

42. Joke around asking if Titwala was named after a friendly parsee gentleman

43. Eat Missal Pav when you’re wearing a white shirt

44. Asking a cabbie what a visitor could do at Grant Road

45. Complain about how you have no time in life

46. Complain about how little you earn

47. Complain

48. Tell a Mumbaikar you are writing a list like this one

49. And that you’ve managed to write upto No. 49

50. Insist on calling the city Bombay and not Mumbai.

I'm a Modern Man by George Carlin.

Ah! What a self-intro!

“I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. 

I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! 

I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I’ve got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top and under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. 

I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial! 

I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers. I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! 

I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that sends me hate mail. But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing– a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. 

My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant. 

I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore–no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle. 

I’ve been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean! 

Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin’ and movin’, sailin’ and spinin’, jiving and groovin’, wailin’ and winnin’. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin’ in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin’ tough, over and out!”

Charged with...wait for it...

Yes, I confess. I'm guilty. Of procrastination. Of spending several days thinking and planning what needed to be done yesterday, only to put it off for tomorrow. Of taking matters in my own hands, and then conveniently sweeping it under the carpet when nobody's watching, only hoping to miraculously pull it out later, along with the rug that the very same people were standing on. I plead guilty of all this and more.  I could of course present the end that could justify my means in this very sentence. But then I think I’ll save that for later. In the last paragraph of this hearing, which I’ll be able to write the first thing tomorrow morning. After I’ve slept over it. Perhaps.

You see, I don’t intentionally delay my actions by a day at the very least. It’s just that I was born that way. A full fifteen minutes later than scheduled. And that was because the doctor on duty was delayed by a train he missed. Only because the man at the counter insisted on tendering exact change. Which the good doctor had to produce only after a detailed excavation of his briefcase. One should never rush in the matters of such financial transactions after all.

Now you’d say 15 minutes is hardly a delay. What it did to my life however was cascade it into a ledger full of backlogs. I learned to talk at least 15 days later, joined kindergarten at least 15 months later, learnt to cycle at least 15 years later, and learned to ask a girl at least 15 lifetimes later.( I once had asked a nice girl out on a date, but only went to pick her up on the wrong date.)

This handicap of mine also seems to rub off on people I deal with. The newspaper reaches 20 minutes after I get out of the pot. The maid walks in one hour after I’ve done the dishes. The paycheck gets credited one week after I’m broke.

But let me assure you. It’s not that I while away hours, waiting to finish any job long after it is due. I’m just incradibly busy trying to ride an ocean of tasks that were previously shelved. But about a month back, I had an awakening of sorts. I decided to do something about this, and went and picked up the first tome I could find on time management. I took some time out to read and implement these changes into my life. The book on effective time management took me more time to read thank I had imagined - 23 days. Which is why, I was forced to write this piece a full month after I first thought of it.

I know I should not end any blog post abruptly. But honestly, would you care to spend any more time reading a piece like this? With this responsibility in mind, I rest my case.

Plain Broke!

I'm always fascinated by man's desire to hold on to things that are absolutely worthless. As a result, ones life is overly populated with objects that serve no purpose whatsoever. Seriously! Look around you. 

I have two sets of desktop speakers that have collectively done little else than occupy space and collect dust  since 2009, three phones that I used to carry before the one I’m currently using (which again is over two years old) and my old iPod shuffle that still contains the latest album I’d downloaded shortly after its release,(which is Ministry of Sound Annual 2007). Does the iPod still work, you ask. Well, I couldn’t say. I haven’t found the earphones that I last saw in…That’s right. 2007! Not to forget three expired ATM cards that were forced upon me every time I changed a job (and hence a salary account). Now I wonder if I also have the chequebook that I’d applied for in the summer of 2008. It must be here somewhere among all the 6 years’ Airtel bills that are still neatly tucked inside their respective envelops. (Just kidding! I switched to an email option three years back, so I only have bills up until June 2010)

I’m starting to believe that every object that is created today, especially those built for the betterment of mankind, is “designed” to serve the purpose only for a short while. After which, it only piles on. This applies to every modern-day gadget / appliance / tool except that VCD player you won as a gift at a game show. And that’s because you never even opened it from the case and packed it off as a gift at the next wedding you were invited to. And besides, you’d already graduated to DVDs by then, hadn't you?

The other exception is probably the 2 GB pendrive you got when you redeemed your Credit Card points for the first time. It still does its job of carrying as a souvenir a virus, at least one each from every single system it’s been plugged into.

 Now let me have a look at all the other things around me that I Once fell for like a ton of bricks when I first lay my eyes on them, but now only compete with me for some precious space in my room. A visiting card book, containing cards of people I'm never going to call again. An organizer with a parker pen neatly placed in a holder, used only once when my name had to be written. A 2009 Calendar featuring Bollywood hotties as shot by Daboo Ratnani. CD Album, carrying freeware CDs that still contain demo versions of Sonic the Hedgehog. An off-white coffee mug, that’s only been used to hold pens that don’t write anymore. 24 issues of GQ magazine, which I subscribed to hoping I’d upgrade my style as I approach the 30s. 36 issues of Time Magazine, which I subscribed to hoping that it would help me sound my age. And a digital weighing scale that needs recalibration every time I add a kilo.

But here’s where you’ll really feel shortchanged. When you are sold the idea of how functional these things are “designed” to be, they seem like something that’d you’d give your arm and leg to own. Like a spare kidney or something.  And for a while, it actually seems like your life actually depends on it. Like it is your only kidney or something. And all hell breaks loose when it suddenly stops working. Like you need a kidney transplant on the pronto or something. But after a while, it only contributes to the junk around you. Just like those empty bottles of alcohol, which might be the real reason why you need a spare kidney or something.

Your mobile phone is a fine example of how unnecessary these luxuries really are. As a device, your phone is actually meant to help you make calls when you are on the move. But surely, that’s not good enough. Today a phone needs to come with a PS3 integrated into it, along with a 52 inch LED screen, a Home Theatre system with surround sound, and if that’s still not enough, the whole of IMDB Top 250 loaded into it. So you never really find the time to use it make one phone call. How could you? (Battery) Life is too short and you have so much to do.  

All of which leads me to believe that thanks to all these - pardon the oxymoron - unnecessary necessities, life has become way too expensive. Which is why if any of these oddities broke one fine day, you feel really broke. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that if I were ever to live my life again, I’d reside in a distant village that was completely devoid of all these gadgets or luxuries. Yes, really. Okay, maybe I’ll carry just one iPad… and get a good broadband connection…and a functional microwave…oh wait, and a fully automatic washing machine…okay, and a set top box with all the sports channels…and a 52 inch LED TV…and a PS3...Oh and some good B&O speakers...and one e-book reader, with thousands of e-books…and a large refrigerator…and a lazyboy with a beer bottle holder...and a titanium credit card…That should suffice. Or would it?

The Lighter Side Of Smoking

If there's one thing that being a copywriter has taught me, it's this - "Can we see some more options?" I cant possibly imagine how many people have suffered multiple cerebral hemorrhages just thinking up more options for lines as simple as - "Mutual Fund Investments are subject to market risks. Please read the offer letter carefully before investing". I'm sure that was the fate of the guy who first coined the famous Statutory Warning  on cigarette packets. I'm sure coming up with multiple options for the same message proved to be more injurious to his health than the damn cigarettes anyway. Ever wondered what those rejected messages were like? Here goes:

Statutory Warning: Lighting a cigarette on the gas stove can be risky. Please consult experts before attempting such a task

Statuatory Warning: Smoking is injurious to your reputation. Please carry strong mints at all times.

Statuatory Warning: Smoking a cigarette is really cheap. Please tender exact change.

Statuatory Warning: Smoking a cigarette is the best way to blow your money. Please don't bother reading fine print before you invest.

Statuatory Warning: Life sucks anyway. Here's something for you to suck on.

Statuatory Warning: Smoking is legal. Just saying. 

Statuatory Warning: We are not allowed to advertise unless we say this. Just wanted to let you know.

Statuatory Warning: The proceeds from this sale will be utilized for Cancer research

Statutory Warning: Smoking during pregnancy will result in your child turning out to be the next Rahul Gandhi

Statutory Warning: Longer Cigarrettes. Because overcompensation is the only solution.

Statutory Warning: Best recommended for those times when you'll see no other action.

Statutory Warning: Ever wondered what Statutory meant? Brought to you by www.dictionary.com

Date a guy who wants to make Fraandship.

Date a guy who sends you a Fraand request. Because he will always want to take you to the nearest Café Coffee Day, while you are busy trying to be a girl who reads, writes, travels, or does all of the above while also perusing your spambox for mails from your exes, and belting a plate of Biryani.

Date a guy you found on facebook. Date a guy who’s never met you otherwise. Because he will always Like your comments. Even if you could only come up with creative variants of “Awesome”. Like “Osama”.

Find a guy who reads every FB post of yours. You’ll know that because he will always be the first one to leave a smiley as a comment.  He’s the one who types “awww” only because he means it. Do you see that weirdo who nearly choked to death when the oregano seasoning went down his wind pipe when he tried laughing? That’s the man. He usually cannot resist laughing, especially when he reads something LOL-worthy.

He’s the guy who always flashes his latest Micromax A116 Canvas HD while waiting at that coffee shop down your street. If you peek at his mug, the cup is empty. Peek again after a couple of hours, and it’s the same cup, because he’s too engrossed already to know that you’ve been waiting for him to leave so you can take his table. He’s just lost among the Likes and the Shares on his FB Newsfeed. Sit down. He might give you a stare, as most guys who spend every waking our poring on Facebook like to be interrupted by a divine apparition of a living breathing woman. Ask him if he likes his new phone.

Buy him another cup of coffee. He’ll love that. That’ll let him sit at the same table for another couple of hours.

Let him know what you really think of the latest “Keep Calm” meme post on his wall. See if he gets the sarcasm on your latest status message. Understand that if he says he understood “Chillaana hai to ‘India, India’ chillaana. ‘Pak Pak’ to murga bhi karta hai”, he’s saying that just to sound cool. Ask him if he likes the “World’s Most Interesting Man” meme or he would like to be the “World’s Most Interesting Man” meme.

It’s really easy to date a guy who has Rahul Dravid’s picture as his user pic. He could just be your friendly neighbourhood Rahul Roy. Or even that easily forgotten Rahul Mahajan, who was your classmate in school. But one thing he’ll always believe is he’s the Rahul who’ll sweep you off your feet with a well-timed, “Mar gaya Rahul”.

Just tag him on a nice FB post for his birthday. Include him in a generic status message that simply reads “Merry Christmas”, and he’ll assume it’s dedicated to him. Share any 9gag post on his wall, and it’ll make his day. Send him a link of the latest post from ‘I Fucking Love Science’ and he’ll love your fucking intelligence. Understand that he knows the difference between FB and life, but he’ll go out of his way to turn his life into a FB newsfeed. And it’ll never be your fault if he does.

Lie to him. He’ll know that you only did it to maintain your FB reputation. It’s not the end of the world. Okay, his world.

Fail him. Because the guy who updates his FB status every hour knows that not every post will be Liked by his 2038 friends. Because a guy who updates his status knows that there’s always the next FB post. That you can always write another status message that’ll get likes. At least 10 likes. That life is meant to at least have one post or two every day that you’ll be forced to delete.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? The guy who posts some celebrity’s post as his userpic knows that you don’t anything like Deepika Padukone, whose picture you may have used as a userpic.

 If you find a guy who wants to make fraandship, keep him close. When you find him up at 2 AM clutching his smartphone so close to his eyes that it starts watering, make him a cup of tea and hold him. You may lose him for a couple of hours but he will always come back to you. He’ll talk as if the farm he built in Farmville 2 is real, because for a while, it always is.

He will propose by tagging you on a post with a picture of a hot air balloon. Or picture of aging rock star, along with his lyrics. Or very casually next time you are online. Yes, his writing will be on your wall.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your brain hasn’t burst and bled out all over your shoulders yet. You will write the story of your lives through FB status messages. You’ll have kids with strange names belonging to strangers you were stalking together on Facebook. He will introduce your children to Mafia Wars and Criminal Case, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and he will read out the latest Y U No meme under his breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a guy who wants to make fraandship because you deserve it. You deserve a guy who can add colour to your dull Facebook wall. If you plan to ignore his Facebook posts later in life, then you’re better off ignoring his friend request. But if you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a guy who reads every post of yours on Facebook. Twice.

Or better yet, date a guy who always has the last LOL.