Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Snappy Replies at IPL's Post Match Ceremonies

IPL perhaps boasts of everything any bollywood summer blockbuster can ask for - damsels with great faces and greater legs, overweight men indulging in breath taking action (with a little help from stunning camerawork of course), occasional foreign hand or two ruffling some feathers and raking up some controversy,  opposition captains plotting deviously to upset your happy ending, periodic song and dance,  and of course, three hours of watching damsels with great faces and greater legs. Where IPL makes for great entertainment in each of the aforementioned practices, it loses out greatly in one department - dialogue. The problem is match in and match out, the winning captains and losing captains are subjected to the same drill of post match ceremonies. Coming as it is at the end of the match, the anchor is blessed with hindsight that's fueled by Quikr Super Sixer, Super Fours by More supermarket and Fall of Wickets by IRCTC Tickets. the unsuspecting captains however have no such benefit, given that they don't have the luxury of watching Laxman Sivaramakrishnan doing a Jumping Japang Jumpak Jampak with Rameez Raja while playing the game. That makes it an uneven match doesn't it? So to all the participating captains at the IPL, here's a guide to dish out some entertaining stuff at the post match ceremonies:

Question: As a captain, you must have believed that there were enough runs on the board. what happened after that?

Answer: Well, lads and I decided that we've had a long day at work, so watching an episode of Balika Vadhu will help us relax. It didn't work.

Question: But the home team was dealing in boundaries. Is there anything you could have done at that point?

Answer: Yes. I could have retired from the game, suited up, stepped into the commentary box, and tried
crafting a more creative question.

Question: What does a captain do when everything he tries seems to fail?

Answer: The secret lies in never having a shave before a match. It's moments like these when you can indulge in age old practice of gently stroking your 5 'o clock shadow.

Question: What do you tell your team in the face of such a brutal onslaught?

Answer: I ask them if any of them are downloading a Blue-ray rip of Iron Man 3D on their laptops in the dressing room. At the end of the day, I carry my Portable Harddrive to their rooms and extract some new downloads in exchange for some old porn.

Question: Tell us what was running in your mind when you took that sensational catch at long on?

Answer: If I did not pluck the ball out of thin air as you put it, I could picture the team owners chasing me with power tools after the match. So I had to take that catch.

Question: Now how did you take the skier at the boundary?

Answer: You see I was just minding my own business walking around the park when some geezer decided to take the bowler to the cleaners. Now that would have been quite alright under normal circumstances. But I had to interefere when the ball was headed straight for the...cheerleader's face. Call me old fashioned, but there are better ways of attracting the attention of a pretty lady than throwing a 1 KG projectile aimed at her head.

Question: What's the mood like in the dugout?

Answer: Everyone's busy, checking out their laptops and iPads, signing into to facebook and twitter, trying their hand at writing a #SirRavindraJadeja tweet, or RTing the ones that MS Dhoni wrote on his wall. Just another day in office, I guess.

Question: At the end of the day, it must be very difficult for an international cricketer like you to lead an IPL team?

Answer: Not quite. This is just a fantastic annual vacation. Every year I fly down to Hyderabad, and stay at a 5-star deluxe hotel. We get to check out eight other cities over two months. And at the end of each of the 16 matches, we head out to a club and party till the wee hours of the morning. Occasionally, I'm hungover when I have to board a flight, but a strip of Avomin is a small price to pay in exchange for all the partying and travelling and great food and great women and of course the USD 570,000 that I get paid at the end of it. Yea, I could have probably got more, but hey! That's far better than staying back home in Brisbane without a job.

Question: The crowds here seem to love you. Do you have any words for them?

Answer: NO actually I dont. But lets try: Hey people! Thanks for coming in. And dont forget to follow me on twitter. I'm just 53,096 followers short of a million. Peace!

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