IPL 2013 or Jumping Jepang Season 1

After watching Sunrisers Hyderabad make it to the playoff, I was convinced of one thing - IPL is definitely the stuff dreams are made of. Only in the world that has IPL can any team, even those whose catchment area produces nothing more than a bunch of schoolboys who get dismissed for 21 in First-class cricket, get a realistic shot at glory. Only in the world of IPL can a team whose players have already thrown in the towel still end up coming third in a league of nine. Only in the world of IPL can Shah Rukh stretch out his arms in public while Lata Mangeshkar's voice croaks," La la la la la la la la la la ( repeat 37 times for effect)".

We are now so much into this whole sports entertainment thingie, that we cant wait to watch the commercials that will be aired on the 26th May ( Promise! Read this if doubt my love for IPL). So much so that we've been trying to imagine what new surprises are going to unfold in the next week, until May 26th, when Ravi Shastri will hand over the highly ornate and grotesque Indian Premier League trophy to the game of Cricket. Here's our list of predictions:

May 21st: Qualifier 1 is abandoned, owing to an unforeseen traffic jam outside the Indira Gandhi Airport, the team bus is forced to take a U-turn and enter the airport runway to catch the last direct flight to Ranchi, where the match will be replayed the following day, due to the fact that the Eliminator match is scheduled at the Kotla the same day.

May 22nd: Crowd anger forces all four teams to reach Kotla. Confusion ensues as the spectators for both the games end up reaching the stadium. A compromise is reached. Two 8-over matches will be played. The first game will be the qualifier featuring Mumbai and Chennai. The second game featuring Hyderabad and Rajasthan.  The crowd for the first game will be asked to vacate seats immediately for those spectators who had reserved tickets for the 9:45 show...err match.

May 22nd, Match 1: The first match begins and very predictably ... it goes down the wire. There's two runs required of the last ball, Mumbai is 9 wickets down with Pollard facing the inimitable Ravindra Jadeja. In the most expected of anticlimaxes, Ravindra Jadeja bowls a quicker one, which beats Pollard, and he's caught plumb in front of the wicket. The Chennai goes up in unison. The umpire Asnani  says, "Sorry. I sneezed just as Sir Jadeja bowled, so I didn't notice. Third Umpire, help maadi!" The TV replays suggested that Jadeja had clearly overstepped, so it was a no-ball. Then in the most obvious of situations, cameras also detected Pollard quickly kicking the ball away immediately after it hit him on the pad. He's declared out for obstructing the field. It's a tie! The super over fell just short of the wire, when Mumbai score 23 runs for the loss of one wicket, while the Chennai openers remain unbeaten on 12. Mumbai proceed to the finals.

May 22nd, Match 2: For the longest time, it seemed like cricket would be the winner. But once the match eventually started at 1: 30 pm in front of an empty Kotla stadium. the organisers made it more interesting by having a bilateral series of tosses between the two captains. At the end of the 5-match series, Hyderabad beat Rajasthan 4-1, with Cameron White displaying his value to the team by coming back from 1-0 to calling 4 consecutive tosses correctly. "After winning two tosses, we didn't want to lose momentum, so I went for the kill", said a calm White. Hyderabad to play Chennai in the Eliminator.

May 23rd, 2013:  When N Srinivasan calls a press conference, one Sreesanth look-alike suddenly appears out of nowhere and hurls a match box and runs away. Out of nowhere (not where Sree look alike turned up) a Dhoni look-alike dives in front of Srini and saves a certain embarrassment with a smart one handed catch. Out of another nowhere, a Bhajji look-alike shows up infront of the Sree lookalike, and gives him one tight slap. " Throwing matches again, are you?", says the proud Sardar. The Dhoni look-alike gifts the Sree look-alike a single match stick to Sree look-alike saying, " At least you'll see some light in jail." At the end of this staged act, we are assured that this is a Guerrilla campaign for Ship Matches - The Real Match Winner!

May 24th, 2013: Just a few hours before the start of the Qualifier two between Chennai and Hyderabad, the trading end season trading window opens, allowing surviving teams to buy players from eliminated teams. Chennai are quick to buy Watson and Faulkner to add to their list of all-rounders. Mumbai buys out Narine, Gayle and Warner to beef up their team. The owners of Hyderabad are too broke, so Sanga, Parthiv, White, Steyn, Ishant, Mishra and Dhawan go dutch and pick up...Venugopal Rao to boost their batting line up.

May 24th, 2013: Everything goes according to the script when Sunrisers pay a homage to Deccan Chargers (basically the  last year's outfits) by getting mustering up a par score of 119/9 in 20 overs. Everything goes as per script when Chennai require three runs of one ball when Ashish attempts a slower yorker only to trip on his own shoe lace, and letting the ball fly directly to the vacant fine leg region. 7 wides are declared and Chennai proceed to the finals.

May 25th, 2013: The whole nation goes dizzy when they wake up to the news of Farah Khan entering the parliament house and teaching all the ministers what dance step to perform every time a state government falls. The Ministers are seen performing the "Jumping Jepang" in super Slo-mo, with Navjot Singh Sidhu providing expert political commentary. 

May 26, 2013: In a moment worthy of Star Plus Nayi Soch award, N Srinivasan turns the IPL Final into a reality show that will be judged by Anu Mallik, Sanjiv Kapoor and Raghu. The winner is decided by an SMS poll by the audience. After three hours of intense drama, which required Harbhajan to pair up with Farah Khan for an impromptu gig, the audience send in millions of votes, and thanks to thousands of votes coming in from Maharashtra and Gujrat, Urvashi Dholakia is declared the joint winner of IPL Season 6 along with...You're right! Cricket. But then, you saw that coming, didn't you?
 

Snappy Replies at IPL's Post Match Ceremonies

IPL perhaps boasts of everything any bollywood summer blockbuster can ask for - damsels with great faces and greater legs, overweight men indulging in breath taking action (with a little help from stunning camerawork of course), occasional foreign hand or two ruffling some feathers and raking up some controversy,  opposition captains plotting deviously to upset your happy ending, periodic song and dance,  and of course, three hours of watching damsels with great faces and greater legs. Where IPL makes for great entertainment in each of the aforementioned practices, it loses out greatly in one department - dialogue. The problem is match in and match out, the winning captains and losing captains are subjected to the same drill of post match ceremonies. Coming as it is at the end of the match, the anchor is blessed with hindsight that's fueled by Quikr Super Sixer, Super Fours by More supermarket and Fall of Wickets by IRCTC Tickets. the unsuspecting captains however have no such benefit, given that they don't have the luxury of watching Laxman Sivaramakrishnan doing a Jumping Japang Jumpak Jampak with Rameez Raja while playing the game. That makes it an uneven match doesn't it? So to all the participating captains at the IPL, here's a guide to dish out some entertaining stuff at the post match ceremonies:

Question: As a captain, you must have believed that there were enough runs on the board. what happened after that?

Answer: Well, lads and I decided that we've had a long day at work, so watching an episode of Balika Vadhu will help us relax. It didn't work.

Question: But the home team was dealing in boundaries. Is there anything you could have done at that point?

Answer: Yes. I could have retired from the game, suited up, stepped into the commentary box, and tried
crafting a more creative question.

Question: What does a captain do when everything he tries seems to fail?

Answer: The secret lies in never having a shave before a match. It's moments like these when you can indulge in age old practice of gently stroking your 5 'o clock shadow.

Question: What do you tell your team in the face of such a brutal onslaught?

Answer: I ask them if any of them are downloading a Blue-ray rip of Iron Man 3D on their laptops in the dressing room. At the end of the day, I carry my Portable Harddrive to their rooms and extract some new downloads in exchange for some old porn.

Question: Tell us what was running in your mind when you took that sensational catch at long on?

Answer: If I did not pluck the ball out of thin air as you put it, I could picture the team owners chasing me with power tools after the match. So I had to take that catch.

Question: Now how did you take the skier at the boundary?

Answer: You see I was just minding my own business walking around the park when some geezer decided to take the bowler to the cleaners. Now that would have been quite alright under normal circumstances. But I had to interefere when the ball was headed straight for the...cheerleader's face. Call me old fashioned, but there are better ways of attracting the attention of a pretty lady than throwing a 1 KG projectile aimed at her head.

Question: What's the mood like in the dugout?

Answer: Everyone's busy, checking out their laptops and iPads, signing into to facebook and twitter, trying their hand at writing a #SirRavindraJadeja tweet, or RTing the ones that MS Dhoni wrote on his wall. Just another day in office, I guess.

Question: At the end of the day, it must be very difficult for an international cricketer like you to lead an IPL team?

Answer: Not quite. This is just a fantastic annual vacation. Every year I fly down to Hyderabad, and stay at a 5-star deluxe hotel. We get to check out eight other cities over two months. And at the end of each of the 16 matches, we head out to a club and party till the wee hours of the morning. Occasionally, I'm hungover when I have to board a flight, but a strip of Avomin is a small price to pay in exchange for all the partying and travelling and great food and great women and of course the USD 570,000 that I get paid at the end of it. Yea, I could have probably got more, but hey! That's far better than staying back home in Brisbane without a job.

Question: The crowds here seem to love you. Do you have any words for them?

Answer: NO actually I dont. But lets try: Hey people! Thanks for coming in. And dont forget to follow me on twitter. I'm just 53,096 followers short of a million. Peace!

IPL's Shitty Moments of Success

Good Evening, Hyderabad! Are you ready for a Standard Fireworks Sivakasi cracker of a game awaiting you at the Paradise Biryani International Stadium?

At the toss, captain Sanga called Pantene Silky & Shiny heads and it was the Pepsi Right Choice, Baby! He has elected to have a Puma Cricket Gear bat.

At this point of time, all three T.I.M.E Classes 100% Results are possible.

It's important for Royal Challenge Bottle Openers to give the Lodha's home team a Cadburys Shubh Aarambh start to the innings.

All the viewers are Sonata Watching the game thanks to the kind Sahara Group support from our
 Kisna Diamond sponsor Pepsi, our Malabar Gold sponsor Vodafone, and our Yes Bank group of local businesses who agreed to our terms of sponsorship with an affirmative.

A Lays Magic Masala crisp shot to the covers takes the home team to score of 45 for BSE All Profit No Loss. 

The Ghajini Replay clearly tells us the batsman's time at the crease is 7 UP.

The batting seems to be running out of Appy Fizz., and they'll need some Servo Premium fuel to go the Xtra Mile.

After the fall of four Star Plus Kamzor Kadi Kaun wickets, the lower middle order is left to lay a Hathi Cement foundation for final over Channel V Big Hits.

There is no margin for Microsoft Windows error and the bowlers have to maintain their Natraj Geometry Box line and length.

Taking quick Shaadi.com singles is the the Link Locks key to T20 success.

When you take wickets regularly, half your XBOX Halo battle is won.

That's Pulla Reddy Sweetly timed, but it finds the Godrej Safe hands of the man at Ohri's Nautanki Gully.

The American Express Travelers Check bounce seems to have added some Priya Pickle spice to this game.

Lets not take away anything from the bowling side who have put in an Dr Batra's clinical performance and exploited the opposition's Apollo Hospitals injury problems.

The Spice Jet visitors are preparing for what could be a Royal Stag high-spirited chase.

The ball was Mahindra Logan extra-wide, and it was deposited for a Yes Bank Maximum.

The bowler now Fedex delivers a slower ball, which the batsman Gillette Mach 3 edges to the Victoria's Secret first slip.

The game is going down the Havell's wire. Both teams deserve to Play Lotto win.

The Asics long hop was dispatched with the Venky's meat of the bat for a certain boundary. What a Nerolac finish!

At the end of the day, EA Sports Cricket 13 was the winner. This was indeed a great advertisement for the game.




  

The Grandmother’s Game

Ours is a country that’s full of crazy men and unhappy women. This is particularly true on the day of a cricket match involving the Indian Cricket team – when men conveniently forget and forego all their responsibilities to discuss the brilliance of Sachin’s leg spinner or Ajit Agarkar’s solid forward defence, while women either end up working overtime responding to countless requests of chai and pakoras, or are asked to sit quietly and watch this sacrosanct game. But for all the talk about cricket being a gentleman’s game, no experience came close to watching it in the company of my grandmother, whose love for the game could only be matched by her loyalty for any man who played for India.

 

Back in the early 90s, the Indian Cricket team was not as celebrated as their current counterparts. It was a team of paradoxes – a fast bowler opened the batting, a leg spinner was their fastest bowler and the oldest member was also the team’s best outfielder. The eventual result of the game never really mattered as long as Sachin was the highest scorer. Even if the highest individual score was a mere 31 out of the team’s overall score of 173 all out in 48.5 overs. 

But then my grandmother was the ever empathizing fan who kept insisting, “It’s not easy for a 17-year old boy to play with older men”, “ Do you know how difficult it is to go to an alien country and eat their food”, “We were never as tall and strong as those fair (skin-toned as opposed to natured) Australians”,  “Indians were never raised to do nothing else but play cricket like those dark West Indians”, or “At least, we will never cheat with bad umpiring and win like those bloody Pakistanis in Sharjah”. 

She’d also rationalise her fondness for the men in blue with several gems like “After all, he’s from Bombay”, “He looks so smart, he must surely be a Brahmin”, “Did you know his mother tongue is Konkani and not Marathi”, or the best one, “ I’ve heard he’s employed by Canara Bank, where I maintain my savings account.” Her patriotism was so fervent, that I never dared to admit that Wasim and Waqar were my favourite bowlers, lest I be disowned.

But in hindsight, that’s perhaps what turned me into a critic. My only agenda was to oppose everything that grandma would say during the course of the game. So if you were ever to follow the conversations of the Pai household during a game of cricket, you may be inclined to believe that India was at once the best and the worst team in the world. So a “See they will easily beat Pakistan today” would be followed by “What’s the point, they lose to them on Friday (Sharjah Cup Finals, for the uninitiated, was always contested on a Friday) anyway.” Likewise, “Poor Fellow! Srinath better take some rest. He has fitness problems” would get a “Useless fellows! They should all stop playing and sit at home. None of them are fit to play for the country” as a response.

Somehow, none of my taunts would shake her belief in Indian Cricket. I always imaged that as a cricket fan, Granny was like one of those doting mothers you encountered at school, who believed her son was god’s gift to the Mensa Society, and he’d stand first in class every time but didn’t because he was never a teacher’s pet.

But for all the debates, Grandma always knew that my heart was in the right place. And I’d secretly celebrate ever Indian victory, even if Sachin was out for a duck. And that it had nothing to do with her treating us to a pack of Ruffles (now called Lays) or a bar of Cadbury’s Break every time India won. May be that was her way of ensuring that I inherited her love for Cricket. So thank you Bapamma – watching cricket has never been the same without you.  

An Open Letter To Sachin Tendulkar

Dear Sachin,

I'm just an ordinary fan. Just like the millions in India and across the world. Like several others, I was drawn to Test Cricket after watching you bat. Must say, much has happened since I first heard about you in 1989. 23 Years. Yes, I've turned from a fearless 7-year old brat without a care in the world, to a concerned insecure man full of self-doubt, who simply refuses to turn 30. Been a long time hasn't it.

Like every other fan of yours, I can easily list down a few great innings of yours from memory. I woke at 6 in the morning, just in time to catch what I believe was the innings that transformed not just yourself, but the 50-over game itself. Yes, that unbelievable 49-ball 82 at Auckland which decimated the Kiwis, and which would turn you into the first of many successful ODI make-shift openers. A 90 against Australia at Mumbai on the '96 World Cup, where only you stubbornly stood between Australia and victory. The now legendary duel against Australia in 1998 which would begin with a tour game against the visitors, and end with the twin centuries at Sharjah, only to haunt the great Shane Warne for the rest of his life. Or that arrogant knock of 98 against Pakistan in the 2003 World Cup.

For a man like you, with 100 international centuries and several other match-winning half-centuries, there is clearly no dearth of stories as far as your exploits on the field go. Yet, I seem to know very little about Sachin Tendulkar, the man. The 16-year old boy who'd take one train after the other, to go from one maidan to another, if only to get many more run-making opportunities in a day, at an age when boys would bunk their tuition classes only to catch an India-England match. The 21-year old youngster, who'd marry the lady of his dreams at an age when many girlfriends are stood up by boys watching an India-Australia ODI. The 33-year old father of two, who'd survive yet another career threatening injury, at an age when most men would report ill to watch the India-Pakistan Sharjah Cup finals. Yes, we've spent a lifetime watching you grow from a school-boy cricketer to a sporting icon, knowing every thing you've done on the field without ever understanding the sacrifices you've made for the sake of this cricket-hungry nation of a billion. With your talents, you've managed to do much more than any other cricketer in the 23 years you've played for India. Which is possibly why we call you God. Not because you are a super-human, but simply because you did so much more in your field than what was believed to be humanely possible.

But then you were always human, weren't you. How could I forget the painful loss at Chennai against Pakistan, when you gave us hope of a victory on a 5th day pitch. When the only thing that brought you down was the cramps caused by the humidity of the coastal city. Or the emotional century on the 23rd of May 1999, just a couple of days after the demise of your father. The excruciatingly slow 241 not out at Sydney, when you curbed your instincts and refused to drive any delivery pitched outside off. Or even that ugly half century after recovering from the tennis elbow injury. An innings which would eventually win India the test at a Mumbai dust bowl. When you were down, you just fought like nobody else could. We find ourselves in that familiar territory once more. Only this time, it seems much worse.

As humans in a civil society, we never dare to ask a man his salary, or a lady her age. And yet, we have the nerve to ask you when you're retiring for good. Inappropriate or insensitive as it may be. Even your strongest of supporters who fought countless arguments on your behalf, seem to have joined the doubters. And now that you have retired from ODIs, you have once again attracted much more attention on yourself, and inadvertently shielded a system that was never meant to produce world champions anyway.

The truth of the matter is, people will never let you be. As long as you play, your intentions will always be in doubt. You may have been the second best batsmen on the failed tours of England and Australia, but it was your failings that always rose above the collective failure of team itself. It was blamed on your "selfish" desire to chase a mere statistic. The reactions from fans like me will never be easy to understand. Perhaps we all still like to believe in heroes, and hate it when circumstances reduces heroes to mere mortals. Perhaps you have pampered us to some really high standards that you may never be able to match yourself anymore. Perhaps, we cricket fans don't really deserve you. Perhaps, you don't need to go through the grind anymore.

Maybe it's time to explore other aspects of life that you've missed out on over the last 39 years. Maybe it's time to forget about cricket and try your hand at something else you've always wanted to do. Cooking, singing, or even playing PS3. Maybe it's time to forget about what the press says now, and remember some of the best things written about you. Quoting Time Magazine, "When Sachin Tendulkar travelled to Pakistan to face one of the finest bowling attacks ever assembled in cricket, Michael Schumacher was yet to race an F1 car, Lance Armstrong had never been to the Tour de France, Diego Maradona was still the captain of a world champion Argentina team, (and) Pete Sampras had never won a Grand Slam. When Tendulkar embarked on a glorious career taming Imran and company, Roger Federer was a name unheard of; Lionel Messi was in his nappies, Usain Bolt was an unknown kid in the Jamaican backwaters. The Berlin Wall was still intact, USSR was one big, big country, Dr Manmohan Singh was yet to 'open' the Nehruvian economy."

But then you were always a champion. You have possibly never thought of anything else other than cricket. For you, retiring from the game is perhaps as bad as death itself. Many before you have tried to fight the inevitable, before they eventually gave in. But don't worry. It's not a submission as much as it is an act of accepting reality. You do not owe anybody an explanation. In your time, you've made children complete their homework early, teenagers to take up a sport, the youth to write about cricket, the middle-aged to forget about their worries in life, and the old feel happy to be alive. And for all that you've given us, I can only offer you two words of mine - Thank You!

I know you still have some Tests left. I know you'll perhaps want to go back to being that 16-year old who knew no fear. Maybe there's still a new Avataar of Sachin Tendulkar awaiting to burst out on the field once the Aussies visit India in March. It's difficult to say what lies in store for you. But whatever unfolds, you can can be rest assured that this will not be the last time you'll hear the familiar chant that's separated by three claps.

SACHIN...SACHIN...(clap! clap! clap!)

Sincerely

Your Fan for life.




















  

There’s a void in the batting, dear Srini

The following are the excerpts of the confidential discussions between Indian Skipper Dhoni and BCCI Head Honcho N Srinivasan. Also note that the following excerpts could be sung to the tune of ‘There’s a hole in the bucket’.

There’s a void in the batting, dear Srini, dear Srini,
There’s a void in the batting, dear Srini, a void,
Then win with your bowling, dear Dhoni, dear Dhoni,  
Then win with your bowling, dear Dhoni, your bowling,
The pacers are injured, dear Srini, dear Srini,
The pacers are injured, dear Srini, injured,
Then win with your spinners, dear Dhoni, dear Dhoni,
Then win with your spinners, dear Dhoni, spinners,
There’s no turn on the pitches, dear Srini, dear Srini,
There’s no turn on the pitches, dear Srini, no turn,
(A request is now placed with the curator at Motera, Ahmedabad)
Now win at Motera, dear Dhoni, dear Dhoni,
Now win at Motera, dear Dhoni, at Motera,
(India win by nine wickets at Motera, but there’s still a complaint)
There was no bounce at Motera, dear Srini, dear Srini,
There was no bounce at Motera, dear Srini, no bounce,
(A request was placed with the curator at Wankhede, Mumbai)
Now win at Wankhede, dear Dhoni, dear Dhoni,
Now win at Wankhede, dear Dhoni, Wankhede,
(India beaten comprehensively at Wankhede, so Dhoni comes sulking)
No win at Wankhede, dear Srini, dear Srini,
No win at Wankhede, dear Sirni, no win,
Just bat carefully at Eden, dear Dhoni, dear Dhoni,
Just bat carefully at Eden, dear Dhoni, just bat,
(India lose comprehensively again, Dhoni come sulking again)
There’s a void in the batting, dear Srini, dear Srini,
There’s a void in the batting, dear Srini, a void.

Facing up to a Cricket Addiction Patient (C.R.A.P)

In July 2012, on the occasion of the 14^th anniversary of India’s famous victory in the Singer Akai Nidahas Trophy at Colombo in 1997-98, Indian scientists began conducting a series of experiments on people who watch every single match of Team India and remember every fine detail of it. We are not referring to those who remember all of Saurav Ganguly's centuries against non-Test playing nations. We are talking of those who even remember every single occasion when Ajit Agarkar conceded less than 5 runs an over in a match in which he bowled at least 7 out of a maximum of 10 overs.

Scientists have revealed that those who have been largely untouched by the gentleman’s game, majority of whom are women, do indeed live in the real world. And they have been the biggest victims of Cricket Addiction Patients (C.R.A.P).

Says Purvi Ranganathan, who recently helped her partner come out of the closet and admit to his C.R.A.P problems, “I take complete responsibility for Sundar’s C.R.A.P. condition. I went wrong in many ways as a wife – worked hard, day in and day out, nights even and sometimes over weekends too. I cared too much for my young family. Took my feelings out and left it at home so that when Sundar was not busy hurting them, at least he could play with them and entertain himself. I’m guilty of all that and more. But what I did overlook was his obsession for the Bowling action of his state-hero, Sreeshanth. Seriously, I never saw it coming.”

According to Purvi, Sundar spent the day memorizing the bowling figures of Kerala’s legendary fast bowler ever since the great man bowled out Sachin Tendulkar in a NPK Salve Challenger game between India Red vs India Green at Indore.

Scientists suggest that these non-Cricket watching population, a dying breed thanks to the popularity of IPL, are known to be very hard working, trying to understand the complexities of the life they live, and also of Cricket, which has affected several male members of their family.

It appears the C.R.A.P. victims also tend to compare arbitrary statistics of famous cricketers across generations and indulge in a time warping exercise of putting together fantasy teams and then arguing for countless hours over their individual choices. Sample this –

“Macha, I think the Sri Lanka All Time XI has to feature Roy Dias and Arjuna Ranatunga. (turning teary eyed)Watching them stealing singles off Indian outfielders was very reminiscent of Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn stealing a kiss after that dip in the pool in Roman Holiday. Aha! Whattey style I tell you.(Sips Leo filter coffee and says) Compared to them, Sangakkara and Jayawardane playing their reverse sweeps and inside-out shots to long off is more like listening to Justin Beiber lyrics. Very repetitive, I tell you.”

According to Dr Abhijit Singh Paswan, programmes are being set up all over the country to help these addicts to realise the fact that Cricket is not just a game, but also something else, like an irritating insect for instance. “If you make a metal association of cricket with something uncomfortable, a C.R.A.P. victim will respond to it by zoning out of his cricket world immediately and getting back to life. For instance, if Chanderpaul’s batting reminds Sitaram Punj of the crab on his dinner plate that was still alive when he attempted to eat it, he’d immediately turn off the television and brush his teeth. Or if Rahul Sanghvi’s bowling reminds him of the time he was forced to endure an 8-hour drive holding a full bladder, he’ll just close the Cricinfo tab at work and go take a meeting with that pissed off client.  

However, if you do want to help victims out of their misery, you’ll have to join him and watch a match, wait for a reaction of extreme disgust from him, and then remind him of an incident that was far from memorable for the victim. For instance, if Umpire Aleem Dar turns down an appeal from Harbhajan Singh, remind the victim of the time when he was rejected by every single girl in his first year of Mechanical Engineering at B.A.I.T.S. (Short for Bokissam Ananthapadmanathan Institute of Technology and Science). If you see Zaheer Khan dropping a dolly, remind the victim of a time when he dropped the hot Sambar on his sports uniform of Striped T shirt, White half-pants and Carona canvas shoes. When you see Ashish Nehra going down with an injury to his….you get the drift.

It’s not going to be easy, but it’s worth the effort. Until then, you’ll have to hear him rattle out the ODI scores of Dinesh Mongia in the ODI series against Zimbabwe in 2001-02. Be patient.

Verses from the Indian Dressing Room

In one of the most thrilling events today, the airport authorities of Hambantota reported the discovery of an Indian Jersey that was full of writings. On further inspection, it was found to be a souvenir with signatures. On closer inspection, it was found to be signatures of the Indian Cricket Team. The final inspection revealed that these were attempts at Haiku, in short notice.

The whole island nation went into fits of laughter at the news. After their collective breaths were restored, Sri Lankan Media personality Darangoda Upraboth Maluhalla Alulage Sumesh Sahiru De Silva responded with a honest remark, "What a funny. Even our very own local boy Warnakulasuriya  Patabendiga Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas could hook the short ball better than some of the Indian greats."

When it was pointed out it that it was the Indian Cricketers' Writing talents that were being referred, Mr DUMASS De Silva responded with yet another Lankan classic, "Oops! My bad!". Journalists then tried to decipher the writing and it proved to be as challenging as the first morning session of the first class match between Wayamba and Nondescripts. After a gruelling session in humid conditions, the Sri Lankans were overjoyed with the first victim of Haiku. This is what it read:

In case of Test Matches
Will not poke outside off stump
Poking is for Facebook
- Gautam Gambhir

In a burst of adrenalin, the Sri Lankan media went back to attaching the Indian Team Jersey with greater intensity. A disciplined attack with the help of handwriting analysis edged out a prized Indian batsman:

Wicket good for batters
Will play first hour carefully
Will call mother after play
- Virendra Sehwag

"Oh ho! Sehwag ki Maa, ah?", went one Indian journalist of the Madurai persuasion. Clearly encouraged by their efforts, the Sri Lankans resumed their workmanly attack with the kind of enthusiasm that was mistaken for pace, closely resembling the run up of Lanka's fastest bowler of the early 90s - Arvinda De Silva. The next Indian batsman was simply asking for punishment:

 Long innings played today
Not good for the eyes and mind
Better quit playing PS3
- Rohit Sharma

Having knocked three Indian batsmen, the Lankan media had a satisfying lunch. The post lunch session proved to be much more challenging. Perhaps it was a combination of 90% humidity and heavy lunch or Rice and Prawns. After a couple of hours, tea was taken. And this gave the Lankans an opportunity to look at the Indian Batsmen with a new perspective. "Maybe, if we study some videos of Indian Batsmen, it should help us what's going on in their heads, and that will be the KEY to knowing the secret of Indian batting", said one Dr OBVIUS Kumarasinghe, with a Ranjit Fernandoesque emphasis on key words. What followed was a couple more Indian batsmen sorted out in no time.

Will take it easy,
Will take it to very end,
Hit six, well, of course
- MS Dhoni

I am just the best
With a big tummy for fight,
I am just the best
- Yuvraj Singh

Five batsmen down is a good result before end of day's play, the Lankans agreed. "Whatever they come up with next should be easier to break down", said a very confident HIHOPES Ratnayake, a veteran at cricket lingo.

However the next morning proved to be a disaster in waiting. Overnight rains had caused the Indian team's writing completely illegible, and as a result of which Virat Kohli remained a mystery. " We threw everything we had at Kohli, but it seems too difficult to understand that man", said ROTFL Gunavardane.

However the one batsmen whose haiku the journalists wanted to check out was that of VVS Laxman. But it appeared far ahead of the rest , according to experts. "Poetry in motion indeed. He he", said GAGFI Perera.  

Ten Indian Pacers

(Wrote this in the morning thinking of our fastest men and their problems. To be sung to the tune of Ten Little Indians, the nursery rhyme.)

Ten Indian pacers erring in line,
Ishant went home limping, and then there were nine,
Nine Indian pacers trying to lose some weight,
Praveen fell off and then there were eight,
Eight Indian pacers aiming for the eleven,
RP’s hibernating and then there were seven,
Seven Indian pacers practicing slower-ball tricks,

Munaf now bowls Off Spin, and then there were six,

Six Indian pacers practicing the dive,
Vinay couldn’t get up and then there were five,

Five Indian pacers who are playing lot more,
Irfan’s now a batsman and then there were four,

Four Indian pacers on a T20 spree,
Dinda’s left his game there and then there were three,
Three Indian pacers wondering what to do,
Sreeshant’s turned to acting and then there were two,

Two Indian pacers bowling in the sun,
Zaheer’s already cramping and then there was one

One Indian pacer always on the run,
If Umesh hurts himself, then there will be none.