Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 12

Mark Twain once said, "The ink with which history is written is fluid prejudice". The great man could very easily be referring to what's been happening right from the time the first piece of this series was written. However, that may not entirely describe the events of the 70s that we are going to discuss. 

1970 – Mick Jagger is fined 200 pounds by the law authorities for possession of Cannabis. Today, he sets a fine example for law-breakers by a possession of 200 pounds of Cannabis at any given time.

1971 – Sylmar earthquake hits the San Fernando Valley area of California. Following years sees it become the Pornographic Capital of the world. Years later, RHCP could have aptly described the state of San Fernando in the lyrics of Californication –destruction leads to a very rough road, but it also breeds erection – but they didn’t.

1972 – A theft at the Watergate complex resulted in much embarrassment for the US Government with President Nixon forced to resign over threats of impeachment. It also opened a floodgate for the nomenclature of a number of scandals that followed, each of which was suffixed with the word gate.

1973 – A tennis match titled “Battle of the Sexes” saw a 52-year old Sir Bobby Riggs get beaten by the 26-year old Billy Jean King in three straight sets. Riggs proved that while most women refuse to reveal their age, men refuse to behave their age.

1974 – IRA bombs pubs in Birmingham, only after the beer was consumed.

1975 – Cod War breaks out between Britain and Iceland when Iceland extends its fishing rights to 200 miles. Perhaps the only time in history when fishing becomes competitive.

1976 – The world’s longest Pier is destroyed by fire. It’s what they call poetic injustice.

1977 – The first Apple Computer goes on sale. Steve Jobs buys his first of many Black Turtlenecks.

1978 – Arcade games invade retail space with the launch of Space Invaders

1979 – For the first time in history in 1979 a woman Margaret Thatcher is elected Prime minister in the UK. Also for the first time in history, men resort to the English joke of the “Home Ministry” while referring to the missus.

This brings us to the last part of our Timeline series. Partly because the author cannot bring himself to be a part of History of the following years, owing to his own birth in the early 80s. Mostly because too much seems to have happened in his lifetime. This however does not mean the series ends. Quite the contrary! In fact, we’ll now revisit any chapter in history at random, and go into greater depths in our search of historical histrionics. As Calvin( The famous six year old philosopher) puts it, “ History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction”. So until our next attempt at rewriting history, so long!

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 11

It appears the Mad Man's History Lessons have finally found some audience here. So while we were very tempted our class there, we remembered our biggest learning from history, which is it'll be forgotten anyway. We don't remember why we brought this up. Perhaps its Historian's curse - remember what everyone forgets...and forget everything else. So we'll celebrate a full 8.33% increase in the readership of this blog by revisiting the mid 50-s and the 60s.

1956 -  Egyptian leader Gamal Abdel Nasser vows to reconquer Palestine. But that's only after he could figure  where it was. Which he never did.

1957 -  Russell Endean becomes the first batsman to be dismissed for having handled the ball in test match cricket. The ignominy hurt him so much, that he never again removed his pelvic guard.

1958 -  Sputnik 1 (launched on October 4, 1957) falls to Earth from its orbit and burns up. It’s renamed Kaputnik.

1959 – Fidel Castro becomes premier of Cuba. He begins writing his memoirs “ Fidel Castor. Or how I learnt to stop shaving and love the beard.”

1960 – CIA Spy Gary Powers’ U2 Plane is shot down by soviet missiles. Many Americans still think it was bad weather that took Powers to Soviet skies.

1961 – 5 African chiefs from United Arab Republic, Morocco, Ghana, Guinea and Mali plan for a NATO-type African organization to ensure common defense. After their first meeting at Casablanca, they can’t resolve the argument as which dialogue was better, “Play it once, Sam. For old times' sake” or Here's looking at you, kid.

1962 – The Beatles are shown the door at several studios, because “Guitars were on their way out”. Last heard, the guitars are still playing, though mostly they are Beatles covers.

1963 – Travel, financial and commercial transactions by United States citizens to Cuba are made illegal by the John F. Kennedy Administration. Cuban Cigars however, still find their way to America.

1964 – President Lyndon Johnson announces War on Poverty, while ordering a pack of fries to go with his Hamburger from McDonalds.

1965 – Cigarette Advertising in Banned on British Television. Advertising Agencies find new ways to improves, by getting their employees to smoke more cigarettes than ever before.

1966 – The new Batman TV Show starring Adam West as Bruce Wayne, is almost a spoof of Batman. Till date, Adam West continues to spoof himself.

1967 – ATM is introduced. Several people throng it, only to realize that you’ll get nothing out of an ATM if you have no money in the bank.

1968 –  British Prime Minister Harold Wilson endorses the 'I'm Backing Britain' campaign for working an additional half hour each day without pay. Workers demand an increase in the duration of Tea Time by half an hour.
1969 – Apollo XI. One small step for man, one giant leap for conspiracy theorists. 

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 10

We've already discussed all the interesting bits of history in our first set of posts that began with where we all came into existence here, and came to a halt shortly after our discussion on the World War II, when mankind nearly destroyed itself. Funnily enough, while World War II united the world against the common enemy - Axis Power - the end of the war divided it almost equally. So the years following the war continued to be a showcase of crimes, follies and misfortunes of mankind. Here's world history, after the start of what ought to have been the happiest days of our lives.

1945: The allied leaders meet up for a party at Yalta, and agree to part with the spoils of war.

1946: Winston Churchill delivers his "Iron Curtain" speech. After practicing it 37 times behind the curtain.

1947: A huge explosion near Sikhote-Alin in the Soviet Union raises suspicion of an American attack. Turns out, it was only a harmless meteor. The Russians were so disapointed, they didn't even bother naming the damn meteor.

1948: NASCAR competitions begins. It was also the origin of the joke, "What's the difference between  NASCAR and a porcupine? In a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside."

1949: One USAF Captain can't deal with his war withdrawal symptoms anymore. So he takes his B-50 Superfortress and flies it around the world, literally.

1950: Korean War begins. Gives Richard Hooker the idea for a book full of laughs, which would eventually turn into M*A*S*H franchise

1951: JD Salinger cracks a joke about this overly abusive teenager. He's surprised when the critics take the book way too seriously. Decades later, critics still swear by it, while Salinger rolls in his grave, laughing

1952:  Elizabeth II is crowned the queen. And she remains so forever (As of 2012).

1953: Samuel Beckett's play "Waiting for Godot" opens successfully. Many of the audience are still found waiting for Godot.

1954: H-Bomb tested in Bikini Atoll. Somehow, the island is still named after the garment that adorns other shapely bombs.

1955: Disneyland opens as a theme park for public. This turns out to be Disney's first venture that made kids throw up.

We'll be back next week with a review of the next decade and a half that takes us into the 60s, when we'll feature a generation that remembers very little, mostly because they smoked some good shit! So until then, keep rolling.

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 9

In 1939, the world was at war. Just when people were busy preparing for the 20th anniversary of end of the war that ended all wars. As always, it's blamed on the absence of a local area network that would have allowed a handful of leaders like Hitler, Mussolini, Churchill, Stalin, Roosevelt, etc. to play a few hours of Counterstrike and settle it like gentlemen. Instead, they all forced young men, who were preoccupied with countless hours of playing battleships in bathtubs, to various battlefields across the world. As one radio announcer famously said, “In times like these, it's helpful to remember that there have always been times like these.” So let’s go back in time to try and laugh at what was arguably the worst joke on mankind. 

September, 1939: Hitler’s army invades Poland. The Poles cry foul about not being intimated of the same. Hitler says, “It’s a postal delay. Not my fault.” and continues his march.

November, 1939: Russians try and enter Finland when the rest of Europe fights Hitler. Only to be greeted by a particularly potent round of Molatov Cocktail by the Finns. The Russians find the cocktail a little too hard to digest.

June, 1940: Hitler wants a Patel snap taken in front of the Eiffel Tower. So he only bombs the rest of France.

September, 1940: Italians surprise Egypt and invade it. The Egyptians crib, stating that they were only warned about a roman outfit. But they were thoroughly confused when none of the soldiers were seen in togas.

1941: Germany, Italy, and Japan enforce the Tripartite Pact on the rest of the world, and decide to sell their cars all over the world.

December, 1941: Going against their turn, the Japanese tag the Americans at Pearl Harbor. Now the yanks are forced to enter the field and play.

June, 1942: The Americans finally catch up with the Japanese in the Pacific, in an obscure atoll in the middle of nowhere called Midway.(Duh!)

November, 1942: The Americans finally stop the Japanese from hop-scotching their way into Australia by cutting them off at Solomon Islands

January, 1943: Soviets attack Germans in Stalingrad

July, 1943: British attack Germans in Hamburg

October, 1943: Confused Italians attack Germans. Not really. Turns out some idiot didn’t realise they were playing with Friendly Fire on.

June, 1944: D-Day landings successfully carried out. German failure is blamed on the inability to expand D-Day.

December, 1944: Nearly 300,000 men participate in a German offensive called “Battle of the Bulge”. The Japanese feel offended at not being invited on account of not being suitably endowed.

April, 1945: Hitler marries Eva Braun. A few days later, he shoots himself.

August, 1945: The world finally realizes that the Atom Bomb is more than just a noisy cracker from Sivakasi.

Following the 6 year war that would kill millions of people, the world finally realised that at the end of  the war, it really didn’t matter who was right. What mattered was who was left. And that’s who we’ll discuss in the next history lesson. A generation that tried rather unsuccessfully to prevent war, while being committed to prepare for it.

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 8

We often wonder what History is really meant to teach civilization. If there's one trend that we've noticed in every lesson of the timeline series, it's that 'nothing' is often the best thing to do and the cleverest thing to say when you're in doubt. It's a trend we may spot again in the first half of the 20th century:

1903: The Wright brothers invent the aeroplane. And 12 minutes later, the first plane crash.

1904: Trans-Siberian railway is completed. After completeing the 8-day train journey, passengers realise that Vladivostok is not a swear word.

1908: The Ford Motor Company invents the assembly line. In the most bizarre cases of coincidence, Boy Scouts Movement begins, to help pedestrians cross the road.

1911: Roald Amundsen reaches the South Pole. Somehow, he suspects he's reached North Pole.

1912: The Titanic sinks. The captain is heard saying, " All I wanted with this whiskey was some ice. This is definitely not what I asked for."

1916: Daylight saving time is employed by German forces in the Great War. The soldiers ended up spending more time waiting for action when they could have easily slept for another hour more.

1920: Drinking alcohol was banned in the United States. This was probably designed to stop Europeans from migrating to the west.

1922: James Joyce publishes Ulysses. Literature students all over the world realize they were better of taking sciences. 

1925: Hitler writes Mein Kamph in prison. The few literature students who endured James Joyce now give up literature to turn to Engineering.

1929: The Great Depression begins, when running an illegal racket becomes fashionable.

1933: Hitler watches his first Charlie Chaplin flick. He's a changed man after his next visit to the barber.

1938: Time Magazine calls Hitler the Time Man of the Year, perhaps for impersonating Charlie Chaplin; the April fool prank on Britain in making them believe that there would be no war, and for being the masterchef who created several Jewish cooking recipes.

The next chapter will be dedicated to all the idiocy that took place in the various theatres of the World War. Until then, have a blast.

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 7

Napoleon Bonaparte once said, “History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.” Some how, the generations that followed never agreed with him. Why, just take some more time to read the posts on this trail, which began here, and you’ll agree that we may never be able to agree with one another in the matters concerning History.  On these terms of agreement, we’ll revisit the 19^th century:

1804 AD: The world population touches one billion. The team assigned to take a roll call for the planet is still on the job.

1807 AD: Britain declares the Slave Trade illegal. But only after the last shipment of Indian farmers reach the shores of Guyana.

1812 AD: For some weird reason, Napoleon believed he could simply walk into Russia with half a million soldiers and scare the Russians into submission. The Russians invited the visitors to play a game of hide and seek in winter, and beat them.

1824 AD: Beethoven performs his 9^th symphony to receive a deafening applause from the audience. But in what was the cruelest case of irony, Beethoven could hear none of it.

1836 AD: After his earlier ideas of arm making were shot down, Samuel Colt comes prepared with his latest invention, the revolver. With the firearm’s ability to shoot a round of six bullets without manual reload, Colt now knows he’ll at least get a second shot.

1837 AD: Charles Dickens publishes Oliver Twist. Critics dismiss it for the lack of a twist.

1849 AD: The Austrians try to bomb Venice with the help of unmanned balloons filled with explosives. However, strong winds ensured that the balloons flew back to Austria.

1859 AD: Charles Darwin writes the first draft of “Planet of the Apes”.

1869 AD: The Suez Canal opens. Somalian pirates suddenly find new job openings.

1872 AD: The first international football match is played between England and Scotland, is played. The Scots realize very early in the match that wearing kilts did not help.

1889 AD: Aspirin patented. Husbands around the world find a solution to wives’ headaches.

1894 AD: Thomas Edison demonstrates motion picture. However, some of the audience missed the movie entirely because they’d stepped out to buy popcorn.

If you thought man became more intelligent as he evolved, wait until you realize what’s to follow in the 20^th century. So until the next class, try reading some History without ever trying to enter it yourself. Take care. 

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 6

In school, I was told that those who don't learn history are doomed to repeat it. In college, I learnt that the same was true for Linear Integrated Circuit System (LICS), Digital Signal Processing (DESPO) and Electronic Power Instrumentation Circuits (EPIC) too. On this serious note, we begin our study of 18^th Century's most significant events.

1705 AD: The Norwich Post becomes the first daily newspaper in England. The first page was dedicated to the falling standards of football in Norwich County, which lost 5-0 to one financially modest team from Manchester.

1714 AD: The Mercury thermometer was invented by Daniel Fahrenheit. The doctors of the day ask him to shove it up his A#@E.

1715 AD: The Rectal Thermometer wins the Innovation of the Year Award.

1726 AD: Jonathan Swift writes Gulliver’s Travels. The book banned by the midget community.

1736 AD: Rubber discovered by Charles-Marie de la Condamine while on expedition in South America. He uses it to make bands that hold his hair in place.

1752 AD: Benjamin Franklin shocks the world with a lightning rod.

1757 AD: Following the victory in the Battle of Plassey, several young Englishmen enroll for employment with the East India Company, so as to explore a country that’s a “few years behind” the western world. They reach India only to realize that it’s five and a half hours ahead of Britain.

1770 AD: Captain James Cook is commissioned to observe and record the transit of Venus across the Sun. He discovers Australia instead, and leaves behind a bunch of inmates who stole some beer from the crew's kitchens.

1773 AD: Colonists gate crash into a tea party and dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric," because that’s not how they liked their tea

1776 AD: United States Declaration of Independence adopted by the Continental Congress in Philadelphia. Schools there celebrate their first holiday ever.

1784 AD: Benjamin Franklin is the first visionary ever to sport the bifocals, which he'd invented the previous night.

1798 AD: The Irish Rebellion failed to overthrow British rule in Ireland. The three Irishmen who bunked the rebellion walked into a bar. Those three remain the most popular Irishmen till date.

I’m sure it’ll take you a while to read up on all the above information. Especially the adventures of the three Irishmen who walked into a bar. So we’ll resume our history lessons and study about the Europeans empires that started conquering nations only to introduce them to cricket and football and justify the organization of a “World Cup”. So long!

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 5

Karl Marx once said History repeats twice. First as a tragedy, then as a farce. Inevitably, the latter half of History is forgotten. Not so in these lessons, which only addresses the farcical bits. Here's a list of the greatest(?) events of the 17th century.

1605 AD: Gunpowder Plot fails.

1606 AD: For some inexplicable reason, the English start celebrating the Gunpowder Plot failure by blaimg it on Guy Fawkes, and blowing up thousands of tonnes of gunpowder every year.

1614 AD: John Napier invents the Logarithms to simplify calculations. This encourages schools to bring in even more complex mathematical calculations.

1616 AD: Sir Walter Raleigh attempts to write the History of The World when he's imprisoned. Two years later, he loses his head. Literally too.

1623 AD: The first dictionary is published, listing difficult words with definitions. Incidentally, it was titled English Dictionarie.

1632 AD: Construction of the Taj Mahal begins. It was supposedly named after Emperor Shah Jahan's favourite Udupi hotel.

1637 AD: Pierre de Fermat formulates his so-called Last Theorem, which was never solved. Even Napier's Logarithms couldn't help.

1642 AD: Torture outlawed in England. Irish rebellion begins. Historians are still trying to figure if the two are mutually exclusive.

1658 AD: Just after the completion of the Taj Mahal construction, Shah Jahan's son Aurangzeb deposes and imprisons him for exceeding construction budget by over 53 times.

1666 AD: The Great Fire sweeps through the city. Sources claim it all started when one drunk loser thought it was Guy Fawkes day.

1676 AD: Antoni van Leeuwenhoek discovers Bacteria. Students of Medicine reject it, owing to their inability to draw life-size diagrams of something so small.

1684 AD: Sir Issac Newton develops Calculus. For the first time ever, an F grade in introduced in High School Mathematics. 

 1692 AD: Bank of England established. The word on the street is that bankers will never die, but they'll occasionally lose interest.

Much awaits you in the coming years. Where you'll begin understand History's strangest mysteries...like why does History rhyme with mystery. So see you in the 18th century then.

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 4

One out of 14 readers on my blog ( Yes, 14 readers this year. That's a 16.67% improvement over last year's count of 12. And 40% growth over five years. Yes, business is good!) ask me why I do this. For those who dont know what I'm talking about, read part 1, part 2 and part 3 to catch up on what has happened so far. Now coming back to the question. To answer this one, I'll quote another infinitely more famous historian who said, "The only way the history will be kind to me is if I take up the job of writing it myself". There! I said too! Feel free to quote me. Now back to your favourite lessons in History:

1500 AD: Peter Henlein of Germany invents the portable watch. He relocates to Switzerland immediately on finding favourable economic conditions, because for the first time in history, time is money!

1503 AD: Leonardo Da Vinci introduces a technique called "Sfumato" or "Leonardo's Smoke" to create an elusive smile on the Mona Lisa. The curators asked him what he was smoking.

1508 AD: Michelangelo misses the deadlines on his "deliverables". He starts working on the Sistine Chapel a few minutes after being told by his employers that the shit has well and truly hit the roof.

1513 AD: Ponce de Leon discovers "Fountain of Youth" somewhere near Florida. Centuries later, senior citizens are still trying locate it.

1518 AD: The world's first rave party is held at Strasbourg. Nearly 50 die after dancing non-stop for days on the trot. Hundreds of others died laughing.

1522 AD: Ferdinand Megallan claims to have circumnavigated the world. His critics believe he just took a u-turn of Atlantic proportions, and confiscated his license for disregard of traffic rules.

1531 AD: At the end of a decade long search of gold, silver and a non-existent passage to China, all that Hernando de Soto discovered were thousands of bottles of super spicy ketchup near Tabasco, Mexico.

1543 AD: Copernicus publishes a paper to tell the church that the Universe doesn't revolve around them.

1558 AD:  Georgius Agricola, the "Father of Mineralogy", publishes his De re metallica. More than four centuries later, his work proves to be a repository of names for noisy musicians.

1570 AD: Hurt by the name people have given him for killing thousands, Ivan the Terrible orders another hundreds of thousands to be killed.

1582 AD: Tired of seeing so many men mess up with their dates, Pope Gregory XIII introduced the Gregorian calendar.

1591 AD: First flush toilet is introduced by Sir John Harrington of England. He now turns in his grave every time somebody pays him a tribute to him and 'goes to the John'.

Much seems to have happened in the 16th century alone. Well, lets just say things started getting interesting from here on. So until the 17th century, so long.    



 

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 3

History is fun when you don't have to remember the details. (If you do insist on the details, you can always revisit Part 1 and Part 2, and commit them to memory). However, the best parts of History never seem to make it to the textbooks. Here is another sample of History that you never heard from your history teacher.

1008 AD: Japanese writer Murasaki Shikibu writes The Tale of Genji, the world's first ever novel. The writer was so far ahead of her time, that there were no NY Times or Oprah Winfrey to help her sell. As a result, it was never slod, and thrust upon the people by her boyfriend, who was one influential princely types. It was only after the world's second novel came, a good century or so later that people acknowledged the superiority of Genji. 

1043 AD: Lady Godiva protested against the high taxes, and went on to become every young boy’s pin up girl till Playboy introduced centerfolds some 923 years later.

1125 AD: Romans introduced the Roman numerals, just to please their salaried employees from Spain, Greece and the rest of Italy. How else could they be earning a meager amount of LXXXVIII a year, and still fell like they take home a respectable 8-figure salary?

1185 AD: The first windmills appear in Netherlands. Its popularity is credited to a bunch of Marketing execs, who could sell this idea on the strength of some wind.

1215 AD: King John signs Magna Carta Libertatum at Runnymede. Six years later, when he finally read the colloquial translation, he uttered what was perhaps his greatest contribution to the Queen’s language – “Bollocks!”

1291 AD: The Swiss Confederation of Uri, Schwyz, and Unterwalden forms. Together, they decide to go cuckoo!

1297 AD: The world’s first stock exchange set up, but nobody seems to be interested in the Facebook shares.

1337 AD: The Hundred Years’ War begins when the English lay claim to the French Throne.

1338 AD: A good number of soldiers put in their papers when their employers tell them that it would be another 99 years before they would get an increment.

1492 AD: After a drunken night, Christopher Columbus decides to sail to India, but ends up taking a wrong turn.

1497 AD: Without anyone noticing him, Amerigo Vespucci tiptoes his way to take Christopher Columbus’ sea route, names the lands after himself, and returns. The only flaw in his plan was his handwriting, which was so illegible that “Go” was mistaken to be “Ca”.

With the discovery of a new world, historians of the time were suddenly burdened with the task of documenting a whole new set of events. What say we take a break here and resume with another new chapter? Tomorrow perhaps. What’s that you say? Next week? Because one week cannot change the course of a 500-year history? Agreed! Next week then.    

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 2

We'll begin the second post on historical timelines with 1 BC, when our ancestors solved the 6000 year old mystery of what BC really stood for. To understand life before this monumental year in history, read my earlier post.
126 AD - Emperor Hardian builds the Pantheon for all the Roman Gods, who are actually Greek Gods with Italian passports that were not issued in Sicily

301 AD - Magnetic compass invented in China. Cheaper Magnetic compass made in Taiwan. Men still go wrong with directions.

364 AD - The Japanese begin to spread their influence on Korea. The exercise continues till very recently, when LG pipped Sony to become the world's best selling LED TV.

433 AD - A year after St Patrick arrives in Ireland, the first Irish drinking song is written. The famous lyrics "aye di aye di aye di aye di aye di aye" was a contribution of one suitably drunk Di O'Bolic, who was busy introducing himself to everyone at the bar.

458 AD - The use of Zero is documented for the first time in an Indian Mathematical Treatise. The rest of the world responds with a terse "Thanks for Nothing!"

6th Century AD, King Arthur is born sometime in this century. Nobody however, remember his birthday ( or even birth year). He was perhaps the first man in history to have his cake and eat it too.

681 AD - Bulgars arrive in the Balkans. In the absence of any kind of security systems, like the Bulgar Alarms, the visitors set up an empire.

732 AD - Annual travelers around Europe are in a dilemma as to which is a better holiday spot - South France or Andalusia, Spain. This leads to a battle among the promoting countries, that's famously referred to as the Battle of the Tours. 

756 AD - The Mayans declare year 2012 as the end of the world. The entire civilization gets consumed by a Drink-until-you-die promotion launched by enterprising bar owners.

807 AD - The Beowulf turns 100. It was still considered too early to be celebrating with a Google Doodle.

917 AD - The Last of the Three Lions escape from England. They try and negotiate a payment deal with the circus owners at Madrid, Milan or even Munich during the January transfer season.

982 AD -  Leif Ericsson discovers America, but he couldn't find it on the map. Decides to go back home to Norway, and give his shrink a visit.

 We'll begin the next post with another monumental year, 1000 AD - when people were poor with dates, and History still had very few takers.






  

 

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 1

6732 BC - Man discovers fire. He later uses it to destroy all other documents that provide evidence for his worthless existence up until then. For the first time in history, history is rewritten.

3724 BC - After nearly 3000 years of destroying his surroundings with fire, man discovers the wheel. One enterprising chap puts together three more wheels to use it as a vehicle so as to spread the effects of fire. Once every few years, he gets lost. So he invents a map, and gives it to his wife.

2918 BC - A geometry teacher loses his patience with an Egyptian king, who simply could not visualise the Pyramid. Decides to build a very large pyramid and then bury the king in it. A lesson to students who just refuse to understand.

1876 BC - After being beaten embarrassingly in a game of Jenga, one rich merchant in England swears revenge. After years of training, he beats his nemesis convincingly. And just to make his landmark victory known to the world, he recreates his opponent's moment of failure with 100 tonne stones. Thousands of years later, historians would still wonder what the Stone Henge was all about.

778 BC - Money first appears in Persia

776 BC - China makes its first move to kill world commerce by setting up an industry to manufacture counterfeit money

525 BC - First Naked Olympics organised. Much to the disappointment of male audiences, women refuse to participate!

431 BC - Pepolonnesian war begins. The lawyers on two sides agree on a peace treaty, but fail to agree on the spelling of Polenepposian. The impasse continues for 27 years, as does the war, before they finally zero in on Peloponnesian as a suitably long name to describe a highly confusing war.

214 BC - Tired of pesky neighbours, one Chinese king decides to build a wall. On seeing the noble king lay the first stone, millions of Chinese decide to become a part of history and lay one brick each. Some began to compete with their neighbours, by laying more bricks than the other. This competition goes on till a 1500-mile wall is built, and thoudands are rendered homeless because their families are left on the other side of the wall.

50 BC - Julius Caesar decides to go to France on a holiday, and ends up giving Goscinny and Uderzo enough material for over 30 comic books.

4 BC - Calender Manufacturers are given a four year deadline to standardise the measurement of years. Many try and attribute some significance to the year, so as to rename it. 

( The next installment of the timeline will begin from the time when man discovers the latest form of entertainment - blasphemy!) 

A Mad Man's History Lesson - Evolution

Scientists today have proved that if you take a can of worms, open them up, place them on a tray, and then subject them to millions of years comprising among other things, bad weather, bad-ass predators, badder-ass bosses and then a few hundred years of  timeless Test cricket, they'll turn into a fusion of Slobodan Milosevik, with Robert Mugabe's hairstyle and Kim Jong II 's dressing style.Of course, like every scientific theory, this finding is not without its flaws. None of these people were ever actually subjected to the torture of watching Test matches between India and Sri Lanka, so this theory hasn't been tested in not so ideal conditions, as yet.

Well, this didn't get the scientists to say "Hell Yea! Done with the theory. Now results can take care of themselves. Lets go get plastered! One who fails to collapse, foots the bill and takes the rest home. Woo Hoo!" As a matter of fact, with some cool smartphone apps called "Carbon Dating", which has nothing to do with social life for single nerds on Saturday nights, they figured that the funny piece of hard rock that they discovered at a second hand furniture store, which was once a part of Kim Jong II's attire, was actually as old as the Big Bang itself, give or take 29,781 years.

But then, it seems very difficult to please everyone. No matter how plausible this theory seems, there are always people who question it further more. And when they don't get answers, "We have better things to do", they say and sign in to Facebook.

So history proves that the subject of evolution has evolved much faster than man himself. In a matter of 400 years, man's belief of creation has changed from Eve being lured by a snake to monkeys learning how to walk to some fishes learning how to swim to the can of worms mentioned at the start of this piece. Clearly, this chapter is subject to change every few years. So we'll discuss this again in 2026 and then compare notes. Until then, do the evolution, baby!

A Mad Man's History Lesson - Introduction

History never really repeats itself. Only a bunch of historians do. And they do so for their own convenience. Just think about it. Try reading a history book prescribed by schools and universities in a country that shares its history with your own country. You’ll see that the so called “history” has been painted in a colour pallete that’s very different from what you’ve come to accept as the truth. It’s almost as if History differs from one country to another, just the same way different colours are used to distinguish countries in a political map. So what purpose does history serve apart creating a “mine is bigger than yours” argument on a global scale?  That’s not education. That’s indoctrination with a university certification.

So what can we do about it? Well, assuming all sources of history to be biased in favour of one party over the other, there is absolutely no way of figuring out what really happened. And since we can’t fight them, let’s just join them and share a few laughs. No seriously. There’s no better way to settle an argument than laughing it off. Which is what we’ll do every couple of weeks.  Every time we come across some significant chapters in world history that changed the course of mankind (Yea, right!).

Welcome to the History Class that come with no morals. No heroes. No villains. And absolutely nothing that will fetch you an A+ in your school report. What it will contain however, is a new look at History. So class, the next time we meet, let’s just not revisit history. Let’s rewrite it.