Thursday, July 25, 2013

The Lighter Side Of Smoking

If there's one thing that being a copywriter has taught me, it's this - "Can we see some more options?" I cant possibly imagine how many people have suffered multiple cerebral hemorrhages just thinking up more options for lines as simple as - "Mutual Fund Investments are subject to market risks. Please read the offer letter carefully before investing". I'm sure that was the fate of the guy who first coined the famous Statutory Warning  on cigarette packets. I'm sure coming up with multiple options for the same message proved to be more injurious to his health than the damn cigarettes anyway. Ever wondered what those rejected messages were like? Here goes:

Statutory Warning: Lighting a cigarette on the gas stove can be risky. Please consult experts before attempting such a task

Statuatory Warning: Smoking is injurious to your reputation. Please carry strong mints at all times.

Statuatory Warning: Smoking a cigarette is really cheap. Please tender exact change.

Statuatory Warning: Smoking a cigarette is the best way to blow your money. Please don't bother reading fine print before you invest.

Statuatory Warning: Life sucks anyway. Here's something for you to suck on.

Statuatory Warning: Smoking is legal. Just saying. 

Statuatory Warning: We are not allowed to advertise unless we say this. Just wanted to let you know.

Statuatory Warning: The proceeds from this sale will be utilized for Cancer research

Statutory Warning: Smoking during pregnancy will result in your child turning out to be the next Rahul Gandhi

Statutory Warning: Longer Cigarrettes. Because overcompensation is the only solution.

Statutory Warning: Best recommended for those times when you'll see no other action.

Statutory Warning: Ever wondered what Statutory meant? Brought to you by

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Date a guy who wants to make Fraandship.

Date a guy who sends you a Fraand request. Because he will always want to take you to the nearest Café Coffee Day, while you are busy trying to be a girl who reads, writes, travels, or does all of the above while also perusing your spambox for mails from your exes, and belting a plate of Biryani.

Date a guy you found on facebook. Date a guy who’s never met you otherwise. Because he will always Like your comments. Even if you could only come up with creative variants of “Awesome”. Like “Osama”.

Find a guy who reads every FB post of yours. You’ll know that because he will always be the first one to leave a smiley as a comment.  He’s the one who types “awww” only because he means it. Do you see that weirdo who nearly choked to death when the oregano seasoning went down his wind pipe when he tried laughing? That’s the man. He usually cannot resist laughing, especially when he reads something LOL-worthy.

He’s the guy who always flashes his latest Micromax A116 Canvas HD while waiting at that coffee shop down your street. If you peek at his mug, the cup is empty. Peek again after a couple of hours, and it’s the same cup, because he’s too engrossed already to know that you’ve been waiting for him to leave so you can take his table. He’s just lost among the Likes and the Shares on his FB Newsfeed. Sit down. He might give you a stare, as most guys who spend every waking our poring on Facebook like to be interrupted by a divine apparition of a living breathing woman. Ask him if he likes his new phone.

Buy him another cup of coffee. He’ll love that. That’ll let him sit at the same table for another couple of hours.

Let him know what you really think of the latest “Keep Calm” meme post on his wall. See if he gets the sarcasm on your latest status message. Understand that if he says he understood “Chillaana hai to ‘India, India’ chillaana. ‘Pak Pak’ to murga bhi karta hai”, he’s saying that just to sound cool. Ask him if he likes the “World’s Most Interesting Man” meme or he would like to be the “World’s Most Interesting Man” meme.

It’s really easy to date a guy who has Rahul Dravid’s picture as his user pic. He could just be your friendly neighbourhood Rahul Roy. Or even that easily forgotten Rahul Mahajan, who was your classmate in school. But one thing he’ll always believe is he’s the Rahul who’ll sweep you off your feet with a well-timed, “Mar gaya Rahul”.

Just tag him on a nice FB post for his birthday. Include him in a generic status message that simply reads “Merry Christmas”, and he’ll assume it’s dedicated to him. Share any 9gag post on his wall, and it’ll make his day. Send him a link of the latest post from ‘I Fucking Love Science’ and he’ll love your fucking intelligence. Understand that he knows the difference between FB and life, but he’ll go out of his way to turn his life into a FB newsfeed. And it’ll never be your fault if he does.

Lie to him. He’ll know that you only did it to maintain your FB reputation. It’s not the end of the world. Okay, his world.

Fail him. Because the guy who updates his FB status every hour knows that not every post will be Liked by his 2038 friends. Because a guy who updates his status knows that there’s always the next FB post. That you can always write another status message that’ll get likes. At least 10 likes. That life is meant to at least have one post or two every day that you’ll be forced to delete.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? The guy who posts some celebrity’s post as his userpic knows that you don’t anything like Deepika Padukone, whose picture you may have used as a userpic.

 If you find a guy who wants to make fraandship, keep him close. When you find him up at 2 AM clutching his smartphone so close to his eyes that it starts watering, make him a cup of tea and hold him. You may lose him for a couple of hours but he will always come back to you. He’ll talk as if the farm he built in Farmville 2 is real, because for a while, it always is.

He will propose by tagging you on a post with a picture of a hot air balloon. Or picture of aging rock star, along with his lyrics. Or very casually next time you are online. Yes, his writing will be on your wall.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your brain hasn’t burst and bled out all over your shoulders yet. You will write the story of your lives through FB status messages. You’ll have kids with strange names belonging to strangers you were stalking together on Facebook. He will introduce your children to Mafia Wars and Criminal Case, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and he will read out the latest Y U No meme under his breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a guy who wants to make fraandship because you deserve it. You deserve a guy who can add colour to your dull Facebook wall. If you plan to ignore his Facebook posts later in life, then you’re better off ignoring his friend request. But if you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a guy who reads every post of yours on Facebook. Twice.

Or better yet, date a guy who always has the last LOL.