IPL 2013 or Jumping Jepang Season 1

After watching Sunrisers Hyderabad make it to the playoff, I was convinced of one thing - IPL is definitely the stuff dreams are made of. Only in the world that has IPL can any team, even those whose catchment area produces nothing more than a bunch of schoolboys who get dismissed for 21 in First-class cricket, get a realistic shot at glory. Only in the world of IPL can a team whose players have already thrown in the towel still end up coming third in a league of nine. Only in the world of IPL can Shah Rukh stretch out his arms in public while Lata Mangeshkar's voice croaks," La la la la la la la la la la ( repeat 37 times for effect)".

We are now so much into this whole sports entertainment thingie, that we cant wait to watch the commercials that will be aired on the 26th May ( Promise! Read this if doubt my love for IPL). So much so that we've been trying to imagine what new surprises are going to unfold in the next week, until May 26th, when Ravi Shastri will hand over the highly ornate and grotesque Indian Premier League trophy to the game of Cricket. Here's our list of predictions:

May 21st: Qualifier 1 is abandoned, owing to an unforeseen traffic jam outside the Indira Gandhi Airport, the team bus is forced to take a U-turn and enter the airport runway to catch the last direct flight to Ranchi, where the match will be replayed the following day, due to the fact that the Eliminator match is scheduled at the Kotla the same day.

May 22nd: Crowd anger forces all four teams to reach Kotla. Confusion ensues as the spectators for both the games end up reaching the stadium. A compromise is reached. Two 8-over matches will be played. The first game will be the qualifier featuring Mumbai and Chennai. The second game featuring Hyderabad and Rajasthan.  The crowd for the first game will be asked to vacate seats immediately for those spectators who had reserved tickets for the 9:45 show...err match.

May 22nd, Match 1: The first match begins and very predictably ... it goes down the wire. There's two runs required of the last ball, Mumbai is 9 wickets down with Pollard facing the inimitable Ravindra Jadeja. In the most expected of anticlimaxes, Ravindra Jadeja bowls a quicker one, which beats Pollard, and he's caught plumb in front of the wicket. The Chennai goes up in unison. The umpire Asnani  says, "Sorry. I sneezed just as Sir Jadeja bowled, so I didn't notice. Third Umpire, help maadi!" The TV replays suggested that Jadeja had clearly overstepped, so it was a no-ball. Then in the most obvious of situations, cameras also detected Pollard quickly kicking the ball away immediately after it hit him on the pad. He's declared out for obstructing the field. It's a tie! The super over fell just short of the wire, when Mumbai score 23 runs for the loss of one wicket, while the Chennai openers remain unbeaten on 12. Mumbai proceed to the finals.

May 22nd, Match 2: For the longest time, it seemed like cricket would be the winner. But once the match eventually started at 1: 30 pm in front of an empty Kotla stadium. the organisers made it more interesting by having a bilateral series of tosses between the two captains. At the end of the 5-match series, Hyderabad beat Rajasthan 4-1, with Cameron White displaying his value to the team by coming back from 1-0 to calling 4 consecutive tosses correctly. "After winning two tosses, we didn't want to lose momentum, so I went for the kill", said a calm White. Hyderabad to play Chennai in the Eliminator.

May 23rd, 2013:  When N Srinivasan calls a press conference, one Sreesanth look-alike suddenly appears out of nowhere and hurls a match box and runs away. Out of nowhere (not where Sree look alike turned up) a Dhoni look-alike dives in front of Srini and saves a certain embarrassment with a smart one handed catch. Out of another nowhere, a Bhajji look-alike shows up infront of the Sree lookalike, and gives him one tight slap. " Throwing matches again, are you?", says the proud Sardar. The Dhoni look-alike gifts the Sree look-alike a single match stick to Sree look-alike saying, " At least you'll see some light in jail." At the end of this staged act, we are assured that this is a Guerrilla campaign for Ship Matches - The Real Match Winner!

May 24th, 2013: Just a few hours before the start of the Qualifier two between Chennai and Hyderabad, the trading end season trading window opens, allowing surviving teams to buy players from eliminated teams. Chennai are quick to buy Watson and Faulkner to add to their list of all-rounders. Mumbai buys out Narine, Gayle and Warner to beef up their team. The owners of Hyderabad are too broke, so Sanga, Parthiv, White, Steyn, Ishant, Mishra and Dhawan go dutch and pick up...Venugopal Rao to boost their batting line up.

May 24th, 2013: Everything goes according to the script when Sunrisers pay a homage to Deccan Chargers (basically the  last year's outfits) by getting mustering up a par score of 119/9 in 20 overs. Everything goes as per script when Chennai require three runs of one ball when Ashish attempts a slower yorker only to trip on his own shoe lace, and letting the ball fly directly to the vacant fine leg region. 7 wides are declared and Chennai proceed to the finals.

May 25th, 2013: The whole nation goes dizzy when they wake up to the news of Farah Khan entering the parliament house and teaching all the ministers what dance step to perform every time a state government falls. The Ministers are seen performing the "Jumping Jepang" in super Slo-mo, with Navjot Singh Sidhu providing expert political commentary. 

May 26, 2013: In a moment worthy of Star Plus Nayi Soch award, N Srinivasan turns the IPL Final into a reality show that will be judged by Anu Mallik, Sanjiv Kapoor and Raghu. The winner is decided by an SMS poll by the audience. After three hours of intense drama, which required Harbhajan to pair up with Farah Khan for an impromptu gig, the audience send in millions of votes, and thanks to thousands of votes coming in from Maharashtra and Gujrat, Urvashi Dholakia is declared the joint winner of IPL Season 6 along with...You're right! Cricket. But then, you saw that coming, didn't you?
 

Fast Forwards: Don't Take Me Shopping

I recently found this piece online, and it's hilarious. Can't trace the author, but he sure is one funny old chap. Here it is:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1) June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2) July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals. .

3) July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6) August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8) August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9) September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11) October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12) October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME PICK ME!’

14) October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

PS. If you don’t send this funny story to 12 of your dearest friends, your property taxes will go up, your stocks will go down, and your middle will spread. (How’s that for a curse?!?) What? It’s already come true? Then send it anyway–you’ve got nothing’ to lose!

Dust If You Must

 Just read this fine poem and had to share it here. Cant seem to trace the poet, since it seems to be attributed to many. Whoever wrote this one is surely one fine poet.

Dust if you must.
But wouldn’t it be better,
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed?
Ponder the difference between want and need.

Dust if you must.
But there is not much time
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb!
Music to hear, and books to read,
Friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must.
But the world’s out there
With the sun in your eyes,
the wind in your hair,
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come round again.

Dust if you must.
But bear in mind,
Old age will come and it’s not kind.
And when you go, and go you must,
You, yourself, will make more dust.

Snappy Replies at IPL's Post Match Ceremonies

IPL perhaps boasts of everything any bollywood summer blockbuster can ask for - damsels with great faces and greater legs, overweight men indulging in breath taking action (with a little help from stunning camerawork of course), occasional foreign hand or two ruffling some feathers and raking up some controversy,  opposition captains plotting deviously to upset your happy ending, periodic song and dance,  and of course, three hours of watching damsels with great faces and greater legs. Where IPL makes for great entertainment in each of the aforementioned practices, it loses out greatly in one department - dialogue. The problem is match in and match out, the winning captains and losing captains are subjected to the same drill of post match ceremonies. Coming as it is at the end of the match, the anchor is blessed with hindsight that's fueled by Quikr Super Sixer, Super Fours by More supermarket and Fall of Wickets by IRCTC Tickets. the unsuspecting captains however have no such benefit, given that they don't have the luxury of watching Laxman Sivaramakrishnan doing a Jumping Japang Jumpak Jampak with Rameez Raja while playing the game. That makes it an uneven match doesn't it? So to all the participating captains at the IPL, here's a guide to dish out some entertaining stuff at the post match ceremonies:

Question: As a captain, you must have believed that there were enough runs on the board. what happened after that?

Answer: Well, lads and I decided that we've had a long day at work, so watching an episode of Balika Vadhu will help us relax. It didn't work.

Question: But the home team was dealing in boundaries. Is there anything you could have done at that point?

Answer: Yes. I could have retired from the game, suited up, stepped into the commentary box, and tried
crafting a more creative question.

Question: What does a captain do when everything he tries seems to fail?

Answer: The secret lies in never having a shave before a match. It's moments like these when you can indulge in age old practice of gently stroking your 5 'o clock shadow.

Question: What do you tell your team in the face of such a brutal onslaught?

Answer: I ask them if any of them are downloading a Blue-ray rip of Iron Man 3D on their laptops in the dressing room. At the end of the day, I carry my Portable Harddrive to their rooms and extract some new downloads in exchange for some old porn.

Question: Tell us what was running in your mind when you took that sensational catch at long on?

Answer: If I did not pluck the ball out of thin air as you put it, I could picture the team owners chasing me with power tools after the match. So I had to take that catch.

Question: Now how did you take the skier at the boundary?

Answer: You see I was just minding my own business walking around the park when some geezer decided to take the bowler to the cleaners. Now that would have been quite alright under normal circumstances. But I had to interefere when the ball was headed straight for the...cheerleader's face. Call me old fashioned, but there are better ways of attracting the attention of a pretty lady than throwing a 1 KG projectile aimed at her head.

Question: What's the mood like in the dugout?

Answer: Everyone's busy, checking out their laptops and iPads, signing into to facebook and twitter, trying their hand at writing a #SirRavindraJadeja tweet, or RTing the ones that MS Dhoni wrote on his wall. Just another day in office, I guess.

Question: At the end of the day, it must be very difficult for an international cricketer like you to lead an IPL team?

Answer: Not quite. This is just a fantastic annual vacation. Every year I fly down to Hyderabad, and stay at a 5-star deluxe hotel. We get to check out eight other cities over two months. And at the end of each of the 16 matches, we head out to a club and party till the wee hours of the morning. Occasionally, I'm hungover when I have to board a flight, but a strip of Avomin is a small price to pay in exchange for all the partying and travelling and great food and great women and of course the USD 570,000 that I get paid at the end of it. Yea, I could have probably got more, but hey! That's far better than staying back home in Brisbane without a job.

Question: The crowds here seem to love you. Do you have any words for them?

Answer: NO actually I dont. But lets try: Hey people! Thanks for coming in. And dont forget to follow me on twitter. I'm just 53,096 followers short of a million. Peace!

IPL's Shitty Moments of Success

Good Evening, Hyderabad! Are you ready for a Standard Fireworks Sivakasi cracker of a game awaiting you at the Paradise Biryani International Stadium?

At the toss, captain Sanga called Pantene Silky & Shiny heads and it was the Pepsi Right Choice, Baby! He has elected to have a Puma Cricket Gear bat.

At this point of time, all three T.I.M.E Classes 100% Results are possible.

It's important for Royal Challenge Bottle Openers to give the Lodha's home team a Cadburys Shubh Aarambh start to the innings.

All the viewers are Sonata Watching the game thanks to the kind Sahara Group support from our
 Kisna Diamond sponsor Pepsi, our Malabar Gold sponsor Vodafone, and our Yes Bank group of local businesses who agreed to our terms of sponsorship with an affirmative.

A Lays Magic Masala crisp shot to the covers takes the home team to score of 45 for BSE All Profit No Loss. 

The Ghajini Replay clearly tells us the batsman's time at the crease is 7 UP.

The batting seems to be running out of Appy Fizz., and they'll need some Servo Premium fuel to go the Xtra Mile.

After the fall of four Star Plus Kamzor Kadi Kaun wickets, the lower middle order is left to lay a Hathi Cement foundation for final over Channel V Big Hits.

There is no margin for Microsoft Windows error and the bowlers have to maintain their Natraj Geometry Box line and length.

Taking quick Shaadi.com singles is the the Link Locks key to T20 success.

When you take wickets regularly, half your XBOX Halo battle is won.

That's Pulla Reddy Sweetly timed, but it finds the Godrej Safe hands of the man at Ohri's Nautanki Gully.

The American Express Travelers Check bounce seems to have added some Priya Pickle spice to this game.

Lets not take away anything from the bowling side who have put in an Dr Batra's clinical performance and exploited the opposition's Apollo Hospitals injury problems.

The Spice Jet visitors are preparing for what could be a Royal Stag high-spirited chase.

The ball was Mahindra Logan extra-wide, and it was deposited for a Yes Bank Maximum.

The bowler now Fedex delivers a slower ball, which the batsman Gillette Mach 3 edges to the Victoria's Secret first slip.

The game is going down the Havell's wire. Both teams deserve to Play Lotto win.

The Asics long hop was dispatched with the Venky's meat of the bat for a certain boundary. What a Nerolac finish!

At the end of the day, EA Sports Cricket 13 was the winner. This was indeed a great advertisement for the game.




  

You Say Best When You ... Got The Look.

What's the dirtiest look that you have got from people?

Is it the "What have I done to deserve this?" look you get from your mother when you show her your FB status message in response to "how was your day"?

Is it the "Will you please retire that stupid line aready?" look you get from your friends who may have heard you  crack your favourite "Good from far, but far from good" joke the 487th time since college?

Or is it the "How do you always manage to piss off a woman and not get hit on your forehead with both her stilettos?" look that you get from a woman who has just met you, and courteously laughs when you ask her something cliched like, " Are you a celebrity? Because everyone seems to be turning around to have a good look at you?" 

Now just imagine if these looks could become a full blown conversation between the other members of a group who have been subjected to something very inappropriate. Lets just say you are a single man in a group that has husband 1 and wife 1, husband 2 and wife 2, BF 1 and GF 1 and finally BF 2 and GF 2. And in this august company, you choose to unleash your joke # 30 which goes, "I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I sure love to make a bed rock." Here's what is likely to follow in a fraction of a second:

Husband 1 to Husband 2: *Ha! Ha! Ha! Quickly check out how the women react* look

Wife 1 to Wife 2: *I dread to think of the foolish woman who'll marry him* look

GF 1 to GF 2: *No wonder he's still single* look

BF 1 to BF 2: *No wonder he's still to get laid* look

Wife 1 to Husband 1: *This is the last time we invite him home* look

Husband  2 to Wife 2: *Hey! I just met him recently, okay!*look

GF 1 to BF 1: *Please tell me this is not how you behave when I'm not around* look

BF 2 to GF 2: *Chill! He's probably had a drink too many* look

Wife 2 to Wife 1 : *Thank god nobody laughed* look

GF 2 to GF 1: *  Lets pretend not to have heard it and change the subject *

Husband 1, Husband 2, BF 1, BF 2 to each other: * Should we laugh now before it gets worse?* look

You to yourself: *shucks, nobody heard me. Let me just tweet this one* look

 

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 12

Mark Twain once said, "The ink with which history is written is fluid prejudice". The great man could very easily be referring to what's been happening right from the time the first piece of this series was written. However, that may not entirely describe the events of the 70s that we are going to discuss. 

1970 – Mick Jagger is fined 200 pounds by the law authorities for possession of Cannabis. Today, he sets a fine example for law-breakers by a possession of 200 pounds of Cannabis at any given time.

1971 – Sylmar earthquake hits the San Fernando Valley area of California. Following years sees it become the Pornographic Capital of the world. Years later, RHCP could have aptly described the state of San Fernando in the lyrics of Californication –destruction leads to a very rough road, but it also breeds erection – but they didn’t.

1972 – A theft at the Watergate complex resulted in much embarrassment for the US Government with President Nixon forced to resign over threats of impeachment. It also opened a floodgate for the nomenclature of a number of scandals that followed, each of which was suffixed with the word gate.

1973 – A tennis match titled “Battle of the Sexes” saw a 52-year old Sir Bobby Riggs get beaten by the 26-year old Billy Jean King in three straight sets. Riggs proved that while most women refuse to reveal their age, men refuse to behave their age.

1974 – IRA bombs pubs in Birmingham, only after the beer was consumed.

1975 – Cod War breaks out between Britain and Iceland when Iceland extends its fishing rights to 200 miles. Perhaps the only time in history when fishing becomes competitive.

1976 – The world’s longest Pier is destroyed by fire. It’s what they call poetic injustice.

1977 – The first Apple Computer goes on sale. Steve Jobs buys his first of many Black Turtlenecks.

1978 – Arcade games invade retail space with the launch of Space Invaders

1979 – For the first time in history in 1979 a woman Margaret Thatcher is elected Prime minister in the UK. Also for the first time in history, men resort to the English joke of the “Home Ministry” while referring to the missus.

This brings us to the last part of our Timeline series. Partly because the author cannot bring himself to be a part of History of the following years, owing to his own birth in the early 80s. Mostly because too much seems to have happened in his lifetime. This however does not mean the series ends. Quite the contrary! In fact, we’ll now revisit any chapter in history at random, and go into greater depths in our search of historical histrionics. As Calvin( The famous six year old philosopher) puts it, “ History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction”. So until our next attempt at rewriting history, so long!