Thursday, October 3, 2013

Bombay's Not-to-do List

1. Hop into a fast train when you don’t know if it will stop at your destination
2. Hop into Virar Fast, even if you know where you are headed
3. If you ignore point 1 and 2, then get into a Virar Fast and joke about how it’s too slow to be called fast
4. Make a cricketing reference to point 3, like calling the Virar Fast the Venkatesh Prasad of the Mumbai Local Trains
5. Ask a station master where to buy tickets
6. Show off your first class pass
7. Ask two people on which side the platform comes. The first one will take offense at your lack of trust
8. Joke about how people here love hanging out with friends in trains, quite literally
9. Tell somebody that you won’t be getting off at the next stop
10. Fall asleep while you are standing inside a crowded train
11. Get off a train against the momentum
12. Wait till the train stops at Kurla
13. Ask a local to wait in the auto queue
14. Hop into an auto and call the man bhaiya when he talks to you in Marathi
15. Try explaining to the “bhaiya”(or not) that Khar 19th road is the same thing as Khar Uneesva.
16. Try taking an Auto at Kurla
17. Try looking for an Auto at Dadar
18. Hop into a bus at South Bombay. Five stops later, you’ll find that you are still at a walkable distance from your first stop
19. Hop into a bus when you only need to get off at the next stop
20. Listen to the cabbies sob story. He watches more Reality TV than you do
21. Ask the man on the street where you’d get the best vada pav
22. Calling any deal from Chor bazaar a steal
23. Support any team other than Mumbai Indians. Even India wouldn’t do
24. Bring up the subject of Sachin’s poor form
25. Bring up the subject of Sachin’s retirement
26. Ask people how much rent they pay. It’s worse than asking them how much they earn
27. Ask a hakim on the street where you could find the closest medical store
28. Ask a roadside vendor where’s the nearest ATM
29. Ask a Sandwich walla where he buys vegetables
30. Ask the pani puri walla where you could buy drinking water
31. Stand in front of Shah Rukh Khan’s house just to call one hardcore fan and tell her that. You just look like an idiot
32. Argue with a fan that SRK is actually a delhi boy
33. Go to a Bombay beach to smell the fresh ocean air
34. Go to Leopold’s and insist on a fast service
35. Go to Mondegar’s immediately after Leopold’s
36. Ask a Teen Batti resident why its called Teen Batti
37. Tell him why it’s called Teen Batti
38. Wear your best pair of shoes if you are pandal hopping during Ganesh Chathurthi
39. Take a train on Ganesh Visarjan day
40. Search for the fort at Fort
41. Ask for Kala Ghoda once you’re at Kala Ghoda
42. Joke around asking if Titwala was named after a friendly parsee gentleman
43. Eat Missal Pav when you’re wearing a white shirt
44. Asking a cabbie what a visitor could do at Grant Road
45. Complain about how you have no time in life
46. Complain about how little you earn
47. Complain
48. Tell a Mumbaikar you are writing a list like this one
49. And that you’ve managed to write upto No. 49
50. Insist on calling the city Bombay and not Mumbai.


Anonymous said...

Hahahaaaaahahahaaaa! Dude, this is insane! and with this, you've given me a list of things-to-do when in bombay. :D

Sudhir Pai said...


Anonymous said...

I have nominated you for the Liebster award. Here is the link for you to go ahead: