Writer's block, and the subsequent tackle...

Yes, ladies and gentleman. I am a victim of the writers block. And I confess, I didn't have the courage to admit this 8 years back, when I first detected it.

Way back, during my years in an Engineering College, I first encountered this difficulty in crafting a sentence on paper. Initially, I blamed it on the exuberance of youth and gladly ignored it along with all other things of little significance, like life, health, remote chance of having a girlfriend and an even remoter(Is that really a word? I couldn't say. Bloody writer's block, I tell you.) chance of having a flourishing career as an Engineer in Electronics. Right. Okay. That didn't go so bad, so I'll continue.

Couple of years later, I felt the need to do something about it, because it was starting to show on my grade sheet. Yes, that's true. The only marks I scored in Engineering was on account of my ability to fabricate concepts that were hitherto unknown to science itself. But then, my inability to put it on paper cost me a few grades. It wasn't funny anymore. At least the examiners used to have some entertainment to look forward to, and now those privileges were denied to them.

After crawling out of Engineering College, I invested some time on a blog at LiveJournal with a hope to see some returns, of my ability to write at least. But then, it wasn't meant to be. I first blamed it on bad vaastu, and changed the blog address to Blogspot. A year later, I could identify a grand total of three readers of my blog. Clearly encouraged by the progress I'd made, I started working on two more blogs. And I even started contributing to two other blogs. Hell, I even took up a job where I was required to write. And if all this wasn't enough, I even started writing status messages on Facebook. Surely something good had to come out after all this.

Today, 8 years later, after 5 blogs, 257 posts, and 389 status messages on FB, and mugging up all the dialogues of Taare Zameen Par, I've decided to stop fooling myself. I've embraced the idea of living with this 'special' (in)ability, and have reconciled. If you reached this far, you'd have already guessed that I surely wouldn't have a clue as to where this piece was heading. So let me not subject you to this anymore.

The end.

Why we Indians love Cricket?

As middle-class Indians, we’re always spoilt for choice. Even before we’re born, we’re made to understand that we live in a free world, and we have no choice but enjoy our free will in taking up either Mathematics or Biology for our Class XI examinations. And then having chosen Mathematics, we have the option of preparing to answer any 4 of the 7 questions on Algebra, Trigonometry, Coordinate Geometry, Differential Calculus, Integral Calculus, Probability and 3D Geometry. And we are also pampered with the knowledge that studying Probability should help us not only to choose our subjects and subsequent careers wisely, but also help us in clearing engineering entrance exams that require us to answer multiple-choice questions(When in doubt, always answer c, or all of the above, or both). Cricket, like the life of a middle-class Indian, is full of glorious uncertainties, we are told. And a good game of Cricket is but a great exhibition of great choices made in split seconds. Let’s think about it.

The game begins with a toss, and the leader of men has to consider many parameters before offering his choice of either heads or tails. For instance, what he had for breakfast, how many members of his team are recovering from injuries, and how many are nursing hangovers from the game of strip poker being played in the dressing room. Just think of what all goes through his mind before the roll of the coin. And the game does not end with the toss. After winning half the battle, the remaining half of the game hangs on the decision of the captain, which is either to bat or bowl. Decisions like these require a great comprehension of Probability, which is usually left unanswered as a matter of choice in our Class XII Mathematics examinations. This is the sole reason why, ladies and gentlemen, we love this game.

Now moving on to choosing the team that represents our country, we entrust the responsibilities on the bright minds of former cricketers who have always entertained us with some phenomenal decision making skills on the field; like whether to attempt a shot or leave, whether to walk up to the crease during the run-up or settle for a quick stroll, whether to chase the ball till the boundary or wait for the ball boy throw it back to you, or most importantly, whether to ‘seen’ drinking Thumbs Up or Maltova. In choosing the squad of fifteen, they are probably the biggest custodians of the game in India. Just imagine the fate of the game, if it was not held safely in their hands. This post is a tribute to the final selection made by the Indian selection committee. And here’s the fruit of their labour:

MS Dhoni (captain & wicket-keeper): This was easily the toughest decision for messers Srikanth and co. Should you pick a keeper who can bat a bit, or a batsmen who can keep a bit, or a batsman who was good with stumpings, or a player from Tamil Nadu, or a player from Chennai, or a player who can win tosses, or a player who looks good in commercials, or a player who was good at press conferences. Some compromises were made (at least with the tosses bit) and we have Mahender Singh Dhoni, who is known to make astute decisions, be it with choosing his bike, or his bride. And he doen’t have a bad record either, winning 25% of the World Cups he’s played in, and 33% of the World Cups that he has captained in. Only Ponting, with a 40% WC winning record as a captain, has a better win percentage.

Sachin Tendulkar: The greatest player of all time. At least since Sunil Gavaskar sought his retirement in the commentary box. We have no choice in the matter of giving Sachin his World Cup. So much so that ICC is planning to retroactively award Sachin the 2007 WC trophy for sacrificing his opener’s position, just so that everyone is happy and TV ratings can bail West Indies out of the economic crisis that followed the staging of two world cups there in 2007 and 2010.

Virender Sehwag: Nobody has understood the 0.5 probability of the game better than Sehwag. In his own words, whenever he hits the ball, he either gets out, or he stays at the crease to face yet another ball. It’s this facet of the game that makes him the best choice for the vice-captain’s role ,of appearing for the toss when the captain is attending to his loosies.

Ravichandran Ashwin: Surely the captain’s favourite surprise package. He’s neither a great batsman, nor a great fielder. Neither a pace bowler, nor a spinner. But with whatever roles that remain, Ashwin is known to choose very wisely.

Piyush Chawla: Clearly a smart gambit by the selectors. In fact, Chawla is so far beyond the opposition radar, that the only videos they’ll find of him on youtube is of him promoting basketball (it’s a little late we think, considering he’s not going to grow any taller), and taking a great catch at backward point in an IPL match. Even the fans have no idea why he’s around, never mind opposition planners.

Gautam Gambhir: Easily the most useful cricketer in the team, Gambhir can open the innings when Sehwag decides he’s had enough of the game, or when Sachin declares that he needs rest. He can field at any position, when our best fielder Yuvi is bowling, or when Sachin declares that he needs rest. He can even captain the team when Dhoni has loosies, when Yuvi is bowling, when Sachin declares he needs rest and Sehwag decides...well haven’t we had enough of Sehwag already.

Harbhajan: No bowler in the game offers enough of variety to his skipper as Bhajji does, be it with the faster one, or the slower one, the straighter one or the slower one (got you there again, didn’t he), the turning one, or the tossed up one, the pehla, or the doosra, the right one, the wrong one, or even the one where he slaps another bowler in the opposition camp.

Zaheer: He’s the smartest bowler in the world. Owing to his constant injuries, Zak has learnt how to choose his games smartly.

Kohli: He’s probably done everything possible to get in the team. And yet he may be replaced by Raina in the XI. Virat’s case is a lesson for all youngsters in that, you can do everything in your hands, but to get results in your favour, you’ll still have to pay homage to the upar-wallah (MS Dhoni, the man at the top that is)

Nehra: Ashish reminds you of another generation, when life was simpler, when there was just one TV channel, and when Anil Kumble was India’s fastest bowler. Just watch him bat, or field, or swear at all the fielders when he’s taken for a few runs, and you’ll know why I turn teary-eyed with nostalgia every time I watch him in action.

Munaf Patel: This man used to be the fastest bowler in India. But that was before he started playing for India. And his wise decision is based on the fact that by choosing to cut down on pace, he can actually serve the game for a longer while, much to the delight of his millions of fans.

Yusuf Pathan: Possibly the best learner of the game, Yusuf is a man who can learn the tricks of the game from anyone, even his kid brother.

Suresh Raina: He hasn’t done much right in recent times, but he hasn’t done much wrong either. But what really works for him is his faith, which has moved mountains. Even that mountain which has patented the helicopter shot.

Sreeshant: It’s an old Indian tradition, where every king’s court needed an in-house clown. Sree is the one man who takes that role very seriously.

Yuvi: Every world cup winning team from India has had a tall left-handed slow bowler who gets hit for 5 sixes in an over, only to go on to hit six sixes in an over. After the retirement of Ravi Shastri, Yuvi is undoubtedly the best man for the job.

This certainly has to be my favourite Indian team for an ICC World Cup. Will they win the World Cup? It really doesn’t matter to me. After all, haven’t you heard Dhoni say it 314,159 times before – “ The end results will take care of themselves, if we take every game one at a time, and enjoy being a part of the process.”

Letter from Santa

Dear Mr. Singh,
1 January, 2001

I don’t think you remember me. I mean, I’d have to take you 10 years back, to a mental image of what you were then – a 17-year old. Yes, it’s true. Let me explain.

You remember being introduced to the concept of internet? And the electronic mail too? And how it drove your imagination (and mine too) wild? And how you linked your understanding of the internet to the concept of the multiverse? So you came up with this theory that the internet is possibly the only mode of communicating with a parallel universe. And possibly with the future too. So to find out for yourself, you send yourself a mail. And address it to yourself 10 years from now? Well, here I am.

As you’d remember, I am very curious to find out a lot about how the next 10 years turn out for you. And I know you understand, so you will refrain from sharing any information that can alter the shape of the space-time fabric. But still, it is this curiosity that has driven me so far. And you surely understand that too.

Okay, lets strike a deal here. I ask you only three questions. And those are related what has happened over the last three-four days. Here we go.

Firstly, I’m very impressed by what’s happening on the world wide web. So would I have property in this world wide web which would only be dedicated to me. As in if people land on this web page, all they’ll ever find is everything about me?

Secondly, would I ever get to drive a McLaren F1 in the next 10 years?

Lastly, will I be working somewhere cool, where I will be encouraged to work on the internet?

Looking forward to hear from you.

Yours truly,
Santosh.


Dear Santosh,
1 January, 2011

Of course I remember. How could I forget that wild idea. Well, I know you waited for a couple of days, hoping against hope, reason and logic for a reply. And I know I’m replying to your mail 10 years too late. But the reason I reply to this mail is because I still believe. In your idea. Your ability. And your innocence. Yes, that’s true. It was easily your first failure, after which you start curbing your ideas on the pretext of being realistic. When I think about it, I wonder which was a bigger failure, your silly experiment, or your silly outlook towards life after the outcome of that experiment. I don’t believe in a parallel universe anymore, and I cannot imagine anything that will help me connect to you, a memory of what I was 10 years back. But I write to you, and hope it reaches you in time. If only to encourage you to take the other path.

You don’t realise the strength of your first question. You asked me this question and decided to wait for an answer. And when you don’t see one in the next two days, you completely forget about it. Till you remember this freak incident 10 years later. And then unearth this mail from your mailbox (it’s amazing who you maintain a mail account with that childish name even 10 years later). Another chap asks himself the very same question, comes with an answer for himself, develops his idea, and gets a million dollars for it. Yes, you will own a property on the web, and if anyone lands on your page, they’ll only have access to your thoughts. But let me be honest. That’s really not saying much. And no, before you go into any of your romantic notions, ‘You’ve Got Mail’ is a ridiculous movie.

I wonder why you’d ask me the second question. And then I remembered. Let me put my gyan cap on and tell you, there’s more to life than what NFS 2 can teach you. No you won’t drive a McLaren F1. Not if you continue playing NFS 2 for countless hours, unless you can think of a radical idea for NFS 3 (Yes. For your information, NFS 2 was never really the best game ever. In fact it isn’t even the best NFS game ever.)

Now coming to your last question. Yes, your job will require your working on the internet all the time. I dare say, you’ll be writing emails for the rest of your life, and you’ll even make a job of it. Yes, not to forget, what you have learnt at that stage of your life (which also includes MS office and MS excel) is all the education you’ll need for the rest of your life.

When I think about it, I’ll say the dark ages of your life will begin on the day you decide to grow up, when you get rid yourself of the last figment of your imagination. And it will possibly end on the day when you entertain a childlike notion once again, realizing that it’s completely alright for an adult to start thinking like a child.

May this mail reach you in another world, another universe possibly, and in the words of a great poet – may you stay, forever young.

Regards,
Santosh ‘Santa’ Singh.

My Statement of Purpose.

I’ve written many of these. In fact I write one every day. They have been written on purpose and with purpose, and I’m guessing of purpose too. But most importantly, they are not any longer than one sentence. But then, I’ve had difficulty in writing a statement of purpose for my own admission into a world-class university in Arkansas. And it’s not only because that statement ought to have at least 673 words. It’s because I’m a simple, honest man, who finds it increasingly difficult to wax eloquent about my increasingly modest academic achievements. It’s almost like being a doctor, a perpetual back-bencher from his medical college days, who is asked to perform a vasectomy on his own being. But being brave of the mind, I venture to write my own statements of purpose. And here it is:

“Ignorance is bliss.” – Thomas Gray

There cannot be three other words that can describe me better. Let me put things in perspective. After having taken some 13,642 hours of study over 22 years of kindergarten, school, high school and undergraduate programmes, I still seem to know little of significance. But little it may be, significant it certainly is. Let me elucidate.

All through my school years, I was consistently placed at 45 in a class of 50. One year, I even went down to 47 out of 48(two students faced suspension that year). But with sheer hard work, I managed to rise to an all-time high of Rank 36 in grade 7. This experience of mine will surely hold me in good stead in your college, which is ranked 19 out of the 23 in the state of Arkansas. I’m sure my peers at college will appreciate and learn from my own struggles at education, which I’ll carry with me to Arkansas.

I’ve learnt that everything in life can be learnt on a need-to-know basis. And for everything else, there is Google, Microsoft Office and of course, my dad’s Mastercard. All my life, I’ve been a personification of this minimalist school of application. What it therefore leaves me with is a lot of time. Which only gave me an opportunity to hone another great skill of mine – learning by observation. I’ve observed that I’m mostly a liability in any activity that is remotely curricular or co-curricular, and I’ve therefore learned to look in the opposite direction whenever I encounter any activity of the sort. You may be rest assured that I will hardly do anything to jeopardize any research activity or other such academic processes that have been instituted at your great institution.

Participating in new challenges that go beyond the confines of a Google search or MS Office is an enlightening experience. The growth I've experienced intellectually and academically through the opportunities I've been given and accepted cannot be described in words. Being able to say that I've not only "learned" but "applied" is something that most students in my kind of disposition are not able to make. Not only was I the captain of our Dumb Charades team in college, I was also deeply engrossed in the skill of tuning guitar stings for all the rock bands in college. So much so that in my final year of college, I was even felicitated by the Music Club in recognition of my contributions to all the Battle of the Bands competitions during my years in college.

Having identified, and then acquired all these unique skills, I was ready to take it to the next level. I assumed the responsibility of becoming the manager of a rock band in college. At that stage, in addition to my responsibilities in maintaining guitars, I also added the skills drum kit maintenance and audio check to my repertoire. The fact that the band could focus on all other PR activities, like attending dorm parties and sleeping during college hours while I was managing the responsibilities of helping them fulfill their academic requirements (running around for attendance, maintaining Lab sheets, submitting assignments and projects etc.) is a testimony to my managerial skills. Now, I look forward to become a liaison officer for promising rock bands at Arkansas.

I believe I would be a good candidate for many more reasons. I have a deep appreciation for the opportunities given to me, and put my best foot forward with every step. I plan to be employed at one of the Fortune 500 companies like McDonald’s or Walmart, which employ students like me, while I continue my lifelong pursuit of knowledge at your great institution. I've been working for the past 5 years, and have reached that stage in my life when I think can afford to enjoy a healthy work-life balance. And that is precisely the reason I feel the skills I've demonstrated and developed can still be improved further. And it goes without saying your college gives me that wonderful opportunity of achieving all my aforementioned ambitions.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1

Statistics prove that the movie watching populace today is clearly divided into two parts. Those who know the difference between petrify and stupefy (may their numbers grow), and those who think these are no more than two words from Webster’s Dictionary. And the latter is an aging race that diminishes in number every time someone turns a page.

For the 11 of you who read this blog, and the 61 of you who haven’t read a single book of Harry Potter (and who, almost certainly, don’t read this blog), the seventh installment of this top-grossing movie franchise might be the safest place to begin the journey. Only because, Deathly Hallows part 1 is completely devoid of anything out of a textbook on magical creatures. Well, almost. Also, there are absolutely no boring potion classes to attend. No new spells to learn. No pretty seniors to ‘charm’. No accidents on the Quidditch field. No points to be won for Griffindor house. No Hogwarts rules to be broken. For Potterheads, it’s almost tantamount to being expelled during the Happy Hours at the Three Broomsticks. This is undoubtedly the most non-magical movie about the wizarding world.

Simply put, it’s a story of three young wizards, Harry, Ron and Hermione, who are absconding from the wizarding world in search of something called hocruxes. That it happens to be a bone of contention for Lord Voldemort (very much like Darth Vader from our times) is inferred when his minions called ‘Death Eaters’ (the dark forces) wreck havoc while chasing the three friends. And just as you figure out what the title actually alludes to, you realise that you’ve just watched the longest movie trailer ever, clocking at 150 minutes. Confused? Surely. The movie really wasn't made for you anyway.

But then, as your young friends will tell you, you need a lot more than just a wand or some spell to create some magic. And this movie is visual proof of what Dumbledore meant when he said something in the tune of ‘Love and friendship can encompass everything. Even that which your wand can’t’. (Well, something of the sort. Only read the books once, you know. But you get the drift, don't you?)

While DH part 1 may seem very distant from the magical realms of Hogwarts, it is the one movie that is most loyal to its protagonists. For once, we know more about Harry, Ron and Hermione without ever getting distracted by their academic or trivial pursuits. Here are three friends, who have been driven out of their cocoon of adult supervision, and are racing against time to survive several onslaughts from the dark forces of Lord Voldemort. And the only thing working for them, when even their own wands fail, is each other’s company. But then, it is under such immense pressure that the strongest bonds are forged. Here's where the world of wizards comes closest to reality.

The utter frustration of the characters under overwhelming odds considerably slows down the pace of the movie. At times, you feel as impatient as the characters themselves. At times, you feel a sense of nostalgia, thinking of the good old days at Hogwarts. At times, you are left wondering if it’s a children’s movie any more. The harsh reality dawns upon the characters and the audience alike, that childhood was a thing of the past. And life will only continue to be unfair. So much so that a few lighter moments that emerge out of long dark hours seem no more than a fleeting respite. A Waltz between Harry and Hermione when they are on the verge of giving up is one such poignant moment.

There are two other sequences that will remain etched in the memory for some time. Firstly, there’s Hermione who reluctantly erases herself from her parents’ life, thus keeping them out of harm’s way. And then there is an animated narrative of the legend of the Deathly Hallows. These were the best sequences in this movie.

However, for all its brilliance, DH part 1 does offer an unbiased critic a lot of scope for nitpicking. The effect of wearing a hocrux surely reminds you of Frodo Baggins. Lord Voldemort certainly doesn’t seem half as scary as he’s made out to be. And then, as is the case with most movies that are based on books, DH part 1 proves to be the proverbial mini-skirt, concealing a whole lot more than what it reveals. But among book-based movies, I’d rank DH part 1 alongside Godfather 2, in that it lays greater emphasis on the characters of the story, as opposed to the main plot. That was one aspect of the movie I found most fascinating.

Of course, we do realise that a critique for any movie from this franchise is a futile exercise. If you do watch this in a theatre, just pay attention to the disappointment of the 10-year old who is a complete authority on all magical creatures Harry has encountered so far, or the ecstatic 12-year old who has all the magical spells by heart, and is completely armed to fight in the Battle of Hogwarts, come July 2011. That to me is the best critical analysis Deathly Hallows part one can get.

Thank you for the music.

Music expresses that which can not be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. Nobody described music better than Victor Hugo. And since I cannot write anything as profound to describe any of the albums below, I'll keep it down to one sentence each. The rules of this Facebook Tag are 15 minutes (no more) to name your 15 favourite albums. Here goes:

The Beatles – Abbey Road

Their last album, which begins with Come Together. How apt.

Pink Floyd – Dark Side of the Moon

Cannot listen to just one track from this album and leave the rest.

Led Zeppelin IV

Clearly helped the band to be a rock, and not roll.

Pearl Jam – Ten

Have had the discography on me for half a decade, but I've never gone beyond their first album

Prodigy – Fat of the Land

90s, during my teen years, I had to love a band that came up with Smack my bitch up, even though I didn’t know what that really meant.

Kasabian – Kasabian

In an age when MTV plays anything but music, this album is the most definitive IV shot in music’s arm.

Massive Attack – Mezzanine

The first time I heard it in ‘07, I took the plunge, and I’m still immersed in it.

Bob Dylan 30th anniversary concert

When Tracy Chapman pays tribute to Dylan’s village folk days, and Johnny Cash and June Carter relate his Country leanings, while Clapton covers his experiments with Blues, you Don’t Think Twice.

AC/DC - Back in Black

When one of the loudest albums of all time features a number called Rock And Roll Ain't Noise Pollution, you have to admire this 'metal' band and their attempt at irony.

Metallica – Black

Many critics have blasted this album saying it was meant for losers. Boy, am I glad I was one.

U2 – Joshua Tree

If there’s one album that defines what really drove the band, it’s this one. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…

RATM – Battle of Los Angeles

When you want to flash your digitus impudicus to the world, this is the album you play.

Nirvana – Never Mind

Funnily, my introduction to rock music was Come as you are. And here I am.

Simon & Garfunkel – Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme

But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity Like emptiness in harmony I need someone to comfort me. Need I say more?

Simon & Garfunkel – Bridge Over Troubled Water

When you're down and out, When you're on the street, When evening falls so hard, I will comfort you
This album still has that kind of an effect on me.

15 literary influences in 15 minutes

No seriously. 15 minutes. Another minute of deliberations, and the list would have changed. So here goes:


1. Merchant of Venice - It took me 3 reads to start appreciating this one. And another 3 to be able to say 'To bait fish withal: if it feed nothing else, it will feed my revenge.... The villainy you teach me I will execute, and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction' from memory. And 3 more before my ICSE boards. But if it was not for this one, I may never have been able to appreciate the rest of this list. So numero uno it is, Mr. Bill.

2. Dennis the Menace - 'You can fool some people all the time, and all the people sometime. But you can never fool mom'. Life lessons learnt from pencil boxes, posters and newspaper cuttings. Damn, where did all that go?

3. Asterix - History books were never the same after reading this series.

4. Short stories by O' Henry - Wit. Wordplay. Warmth. And clever twists in the end. Damn, he'd be one hell of a copywriter.

5. Short Stories by Somerset Maugham - This man can inspire you to write. Period.

6. Short Stories by Saki - He taught the rules of English by day. And tried to rewrite those very rules at night. Uber cool!

7. Calvin & Hobbes - “We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.” Yes, it took a 6-year old to teach me that one. What a philosopher, I say.

8. Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger - Everytime I fuck up, I think of Holden Caulfield. And then I realise that things could have been worse.

9. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee - Forget James Bond. If there really is a personification of 'GQ man', than that honour should go to one Mr. Atticus Finch.

10. Fountainhead by Ayn Rand - It's an absolute must-read if you are in college and trying to hit on women with literary leanings. Quoting it always follows countless hours of conversations over coffee. ;)
PS: Whether you agree with the woman (the one you are hitting on, not Ayn Rand) or not, you better have an opinion of your own before attempting a pseudo-intellectual heist. Cheers!

11. The Trial by Franz Kafka - An awesome satire on the judicial system. Really makes you feel impotent. Not for the weak of heart and mind.

12. Vernon God Little by DBC Pierre - If you are the kinds who has bottled up anger for many years, than take a deep breath, try and channelise it into wicked bursts of sarcasm and other unprintable variants. And hell, win the GODDAMN BOOKER as a consolation for anger management!

13. Animal Farm by George Orwell - This one inspired me to write a street play. And I must say, it was a one-hit wonder. At least as far as lit events at colleges in the proximity of South Canara go. :P

14. Around the World in 80 Days by Jules Verne, and Around the World in 80 Days by Michael Palin - It took the first book to inspire me to make a holiday list, and the second one to believe it was possible. I'd give myself 80 years for this adventure, though.

15. Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carrol - One Reverand Dodgeson starts taking a trip of one bored 10-year old Alice Liddle, on a boatride. And the rest, they say, is hysterical. This book drove the literary world crazy with one question, "What was Lewis Carrol smoking?". Once revealed, with conclusive evidence, the stimulant in question ought to be legalised.