I accept your nomination for presidency of the United States

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs!

Thank you, everybody.I feel so surgically enhanced! This is so orgiastic!

Thank you once more. To all my fellow citizens of this great nation, with profound gratitude and great humility, I accept your nomination for presidency of the United States.And this presidency - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again!

I just want everyone to read in the tabloids that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have fantasized that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other suck-ass nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your lackluster applause makes me feel right now! Thank you once more!

You know when they first told me I wasn't Blonde or Texan enough, I just had to take a craft seminar and scoff about how unaesthetic my experiences have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda special!

You know, there are so many ass-kissing two-faced harpies to thank! First off though, I want to bitch-slap the senile old bats of the Congress, who looked deep within their cold, black hearts before giving me this fantastic opportunity of kicking some ass! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in all my negotiations leading up to the presidency. And to the People Under the Stairs, who taught me to take life by the fifth of bourbon. And finally, to all the sycophantic talk show hosts - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!

PS: I'd also like to thank this acceptance speech generator. So long till the next presidential campaign!