Monday, August 20, 2012

Indian Politics 101

Now class, repeat after me.

A for Arrest. When you get caught of philandering away the taxpayer's money, you are entitled to live in a high security zone, with your food and accommodation billed to the state. Following arrest, you can live your dream - of doing absolutely nothing! In other words, it's A REST.

B for Bail.This is the money you pay the government when you think you've had enough of a rest(refer to A for Arrest) and there's much to do outside. Like philandering some more of the taxpayers hard-earned livelihood.

C for Corruption. With this skill, the only change that the nation will see is the one filling your pockets.

D for Democracy. The only form of the government that lets you exploit all your learnings from this class.

E for Escape. As a politician, it's your birthright. To usurp absolute power, you have to learn to escape from the clutches of absolute responsibility.

F for Fools. And their money, of course. They are the ones who vote for you.

G for Government. Of the people. By the people. For your bank balance.

H for Holiday. That's what you'll encounter every day on the job. However, the only days you'll have to show yourself at work is on Public Holidays.

I for India. Never forget. Especially when you are asked to read out a speech abroad.

J for Justice. This is what you should stand for. Especially if you don't want to remain seated in your position of power.

K for Kingdom. That's what you call your area of jurisdiction in your bedroom.

L for Laissez Faire. That's some Phoren word which means the government cannot interfere in your conduct.

M for Majority. That's the number of fools it'll take to help you keep your job.

N for Nearsightedness. It's the ability to keep an open eye for short-term gains.

O for Opposition. Who will do precisely what you do when they take your place..

P for Power. It's the primary requirement for you to stay blissfully corrupt (Refer to C for Corruption)

Q for Quota. This is a special trick you can use to bring more fools to part with their money in your favour. (Refer to F for Fools)

R for Revenue Enhancement. Clever ways of getting yourself more of the Fools' money.

S for Spin. It's the ability of turning truth and facts in your favour.

T for Truth. Only to be revealed when it favours you.(refer to S for Spin)

U for Underachiever. It's what Time Magazine calls Manmohan Singh. It's what Outlook Magazine calls Barak Obama. It's what you should aspire to be.

V for Vote. The best way to make fools believe they matter to you.

W for Welfare. Yours, and not for anyone else.

X for XXX. Which you should not check out on your smartphone when you are in the parliament.

Y for Years. Either in power or in arrest. (Refer to A for Arrest and P for Power)

Z for ZZZZ. Good Night and Good Luck!



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