Sunday, January 6, 2013

Us and Them: Observations of a non-ManU fan

Before I'm consumed by the violent outrage of football fans around me, let me clarify. Man U is a great team. However, they could never have been as great if it wasn't for the carefully calculated attempts of this one man, who gets inside the heads of opposing fans, and messes with their minds. I don't speak of Sir Alex Ferguson. I speak of ManU's secret weapon - The Manchester United Fan. Especially the one who is found wearing the red jersey in cities as far as Managua (not Manchester) in Nicaragua and Manus (Not ManU) Island in Papua New Guinea.

Typically, ManU fans are known to reinterpret facts and give it a spin that completely bamboozles the rest of mankind. And the one set of people who suffer the most are opposition players. They have no escape because they end up finding Man U fans every where – at airports posing as security guards, on the streets posing as cops, at stadiums posing as referees and as John Terry found out recently, in bed posing as extremely desirable WAGs. Here’s a sample of how ManU fans strategically carry out their devious plans:

Us: ManU Fans are a bunch of out-of-control animals who create havoc wherever they go.
Them: The ManU fan’s behaviour is a result of years of practice, which never fails to intimidate opposition once it’s play time. And we WIN.

Us: ManU needs to sell merchandise worth millions to idiots just to sustain themselves.
Them: The ManU fan buys merchandise knowing that he’s contributing to a greater cause. Like acquiring Shinji Kagawa, who’s the little beast from the East. So we'll WIN.  

Us: Christiano Ronaldo is such a loser. Always acting as if he was fouled.
Them: At least he acted like a winner when he was at ManU. And we’d WIN.

Us: ManU is always full of boors, like Roy Keane. Constantly fouling opponents!
Them: Hey! Roy Keane was an emotionally charged man who played his part the way it was meant to be – The “Attacking” midfielder. And we’d WIN.

Us: Wayne Rooney is such a psycho freak. Remember how he got a red card against Portugal in FIFA 2006
Them: Excuse me! Rooney is a lovable eccentric who helps us WIN.

Us: ManU seems to be having a few fossils in their side, like Giggs and Scholes.
Them: They are seasoned veterans whose job is to teach newbies how to WIN.

Us: ManU seems to be playing some really boring football.
Them: Oh. That’s a part of the grand plan. To put the opposition to sleep and then WIN.

Us: ManU’s defense sucks. They can never lead.
Them: ManU’s defense are not at their best. But even they can attack! So we’d still WIN.

Us: ManU overspent on RvP, who is 30, and keeps getting injured.
Them: But then he’ll come out and score a goal in injury time, and we’ll WIN.

Us: Ha! Lost to Everton in Matchday One! LOL!
Them: They were just warming up. Next game we’ll WIN.

Us: ManU really choked against Norwich City! Bad day, huh!
Them: We just had an off-day. Forget the game. Think Premier League. We’ll WIN. 

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