Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 5

Karl Marx once said History repeats twice. First as a tragedy, then as a farce. Inevitably, the latter half of History is forgotten. Not so in these lessons, which only addresses the farcical bits. Here's a list of the greatest(?) events of the 17th century.

1605 AD: Gunpowder Plot fails.

1606 AD: For some inexplicable reason, the English start celebrating the Gunpowder Plot failure by blaimg it on Guy Fawkes, and blowing up thousands of tonnes of gunpowder every year.

1614 AD: John Napier invents the Logarithms to simplify calculations. This encourages schools to bring in even more complex mathematical calculations.

1616 AD: Sir Walter Raleigh attempts to write the History of The World when he's imprisoned. Two years later, he loses his head. Literally too.

1623 AD: The first dictionary is published, listing difficult words with definitions. Incidentally, it was titled English Dictionarie.

1632 AD: Construction of the Taj Mahal begins. It was supposedly named after Emperor Shah Jahan's favourite Udupi hotel.

1637 AD: Pierre de Fermat formulates his so-called Last Theorem, which was never solved. Even Napier's Logarithms couldn't help.

1642 AD: Torture outlawed in England. Irish rebellion begins. Historians are still trying to figure if the two are mutually exclusive.

1658 AD: Just after the completion of the Taj Mahal construction, Shah Jahan's son Aurangzeb deposes and imprisons him for exceeding construction budget by over 53 times.

1666 AD: The Great Fire sweeps through the city. Sources claim it all started when one drunk loser thought it was Guy Fawkes day.

1676 AD: Antoni van Leeuwenhoek discovers Bacteria. Students of Medicine reject it, owing to their inability to draw life-size diagrams of something so small.

1684 AD: Sir Issac Newton develops Calculus. For the first time ever, an F grade in introduced in High School Mathematics. 

 1692 AD: Bank of England established. The word on the street is that bankers will never die, but they'll occasionally lose interest.

Much awaits you in the coming years. Where you'll begin understand History's strangest mysteries...like why does History rhyme with mystery. So see you in the 18th century then.

Mocking CAT

Students these days are too busy to take up this prehistoric hobby called reading, which is quite understandable. After spending the day watching Virat Kohli scoring a match winning 32 of 18 balls against Pune Warriors India, commenting about it on Facebook, memorizing the lyrics of Gangnam Style and sharing 10 memes that mock Psy, and then heading for their daily game of Tennis on Nintendo Wii, where's the time to read? Sadly for them, they still have to read. Especially if they have to crack the Common Entrance Test (CAT) for pursuing Business studies in India. Not to worry! Just get them to read the following passage once-a-day for a month, and they’ll be driven to read something better for the rest of their lives.   

READING COMPREHENSION PASSAGE

If you found your way to this post and do not know the author, chances are you are a male student in his final year of Engineering, who is reluctantly toying with the idea of giving the CAT exam. The Author's research suggests that you may also have missed out on a campus placement and may have spent four years acquiring lifestyle skills that aren't exactly marketable in the corporate world. For instance, your strategic skills that helped you master warcraft, your marketing abilities that gets you LIKES for your WHY YOU NO memes, your financial management that helped you acquire hectares of agricultural land on Farmville, your creative spark that won you the 3rd prize in the Inter-course Mad Ads contest in University, or even your dashing personality that got as far as the finals of the Master B.A.I.T.S. (Short for Bokissam Ananthapadmanathan Institute of Technology and Science) pageant, will amount to nothing more than the occasional Rs 100 Gift Vouchers you’ll get from the newly opened Air-conditioned canteen that sells 58-Rupee Espressos (Service Tax + Service Charge not included). It certainly won’t impress the 36-year old HR Manager who still can’t beat his 5-year-old in Angry Birds. 

Soon you’ll he heading home while your student loan interest helps your dad’s banker’s kid get an admission in a prestigious institute like B.A.I.T.S. Soon your dad will say, ‘When I was your age, the biggest concern my parents had was why I didn’t get married? All I’m asking you is why don’t you get a job?’ Soon you’ll have to start looking for one when you realize that your monthly allowance is not good enough to pay the monthly bill of your 3G connection.

Don’t look for a job just to pay your 3G phone bill. Write CAT. Join a B School. Enjoy two more years of college. And then get a job that can help you buy the iPhone 7S

Question 1

What is the essence of the above passage?

a)      The Author never cleared the CAT himself, which is why he knows what happens if you don’t clear CAT yourself.

b)      The Author understands nothing about Smartphones. For all that you know, he’s never even used 3G

c)      Joining B School is a great idea according to the Author. He perhaps works in the marketing department of the MBA department of B.A.I.T.S.

d)      None of the above

Question 2

Which of the following is grammatically incorrect?
a) It’s ‘Warcraft’, not warcraft.

b) It’s intercourse, not inter-course,

c) It’s not WHY YOU NO, it’s Y U NO. Lolz!

d) What Grammar?? You mean gamer?

Question 3

Which of the following can be a title of this passage?
a) Zen and the Art of Belling the CAT (pun intended)

b) To B.A.I.T.S fish withal. If it feed nothing else, it is feed my lolCATs.

c) CAT crack fever?
d) Any geeky cultural reference, with the words CAT being in the correct order and written in upper case, e.g. CATharsis. 

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 4

One out of 14 readers on my blog ( Yes, 14 readers this year. That's a 16.67% improvement over last year's count of 12. And 40% growth over five years. Yes, business is good!) ask me why I do this. For those who dont know what I'm talking about, read part 1, part 2 and part 3 to catch up on what has happened so far. Now coming back to the question. To answer this one, I'll quote another infinitely more famous historian who said, "The only way the history will be kind to me is if I take up the job of writing it myself". There! I said too! Feel free to quote me. Now back to your favourite lessons in History:

1500 AD: Peter Henlein of Germany invents the portable watch. He relocates to Switzerland immediately on finding favourable economic conditions, because for the first time in history, time is money!

1503 AD: Leonardo Da Vinci introduces a technique called "Sfumato" or "Leonardo's Smoke" to create an elusive smile on the Mona Lisa. The curators asked him what he was smoking.

1508 AD: Michelangelo misses the deadlines on his "deliverables". He starts working on the Sistine Chapel a few minutes after being told by his employers that the shit has well and truly hit the roof.

1513 AD: Ponce de Leon discovers "Fountain of Youth" somewhere near Florida. Centuries later, senior citizens are still trying locate it.

1518 AD: The world's first rave party is held at Strasbourg. Nearly 50 die after dancing non-stop for days on the trot. Hundreds of others died laughing.

1522 AD: Ferdinand Megallan claims to have circumnavigated the world. His critics believe he just took a u-turn of Atlantic proportions, and confiscated his license for disregard of traffic rules.

1531 AD: At the end of a decade long search of gold, silver and a non-existent passage to China, all that Hernando de Soto discovered were thousands of bottles of super spicy ketchup near Tabasco, Mexico.

1543 AD: Copernicus publishes a paper to tell the church that the Universe doesn't revolve around them.

1558 AD:  Georgius Agricola, the "Father of Mineralogy", publishes his De re metallica. More than four centuries later, his work proves to be a repository of names for noisy musicians.

1570 AD: Hurt by the name people have given him for killing thousands, Ivan the Terrible orders another hundreds of thousands to be killed.

1582 AD: Tired of seeing so many men mess up with their dates, Pope Gregory XIII introduced the Gregorian calendar.

1591 AD: First flush toilet is introduced by Sir John Harrington of England. He now turns in his grave every time somebody pays him a tribute to him and 'goes to the John'.

Much seems to have happened in the 16th century alone. Well, lets just say things started getting interesting from here on. So until the 17th century, so long.    



 

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 3

History is fun when you don't have to remember the details. (If you do insist on the details, you can always revisit Part 1 and Part 2, and commit them to memory). However, the best parts of History never seem to make it to the textbooks. Here is another sample of History that you never heard from your history teacher.

1008 AD: Japanese writer Murasaki Shikibu writes The Tale of Genji, the world's first ever novel. The writer was so far ahead of her time, that there were no NY Times or Oprah Winfrey to help her sell. As a result, it was never slod, and thrust upon the people by her boyfriend, who was one influential princely types. It was only after the world's second novel came, a good century or so later that people acknowledged the superiority of Genji. 

1043 AD: Lady Godiva protested against the high taxes, and went on to become every young boy’s pin up girl till Playboy introduced centerfolds some 923 years later.

1125 AD: Romans introduced the Roman numerals, just to please their salaried employees from Spain, Greece and the rest of Italy. How else could they be earning a meager amount of LXXXVIII a year, and still fell like they take home a respectable 8-figure salary?

1185 AD: The first windmills appear in Netherlands. Its popularity is credited to a bunch of Marketing execs, who could sell this idea on the strength of some wind.

1215 AD: King John signs Magna Carta Libertatum at Runnymede. Six years later, when he finally read the colloquial translation, he uttered what was perhaps his greatest contribution to the Queen’s language – “Bollocks!”

1291 AD: The Swiss Confederation of Uri, Schwyz, and Unterwalden forms. Together, they decide to go cuckoo!

1297 AD: The world’s first stock exchange set up, but nobody seems to be interested in the Facebook shares.

1337 AD: The Hundred Years’ War begins when the English lay claim to the French Throne.

1338 AD: A good number of soldiers put in their papers when their employers tell them that it would be another 99 years before they would get an increment.

1492 AD: After a drunken night, Christopher Columbus decides to sail to India, but ends up taking a wrong turn.

1497 AD: Without anyone noticing him, Amerigo Vespucci tiptoes his way to take Christopher Columbus’ sea route, names the lands after himself, and returns. The only flaw in his plan was his handwriting, which was so illegible that “Go” was mistaken to be “Ca”.

With the discovery of a new world, historians of the time were suddenly burdened with the task of documenting a whole new set of events. What say we take a break here and resume with another new chapter? Tomorrow perhaps. What’s that you say? Next week? Because one week cannot change the course of a 500-year history? Agreed! Next week then.    

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 2

We'll begin the second post on historical timelines with 1 BC, when our ancestors solved the 6000 year old mystery of what BC really stood for. To understand life before this monumental year in history, read my earlier post.
126 AD - Emperor Hardian builds the Pantheon for all the Roman Gods, who are actually Greek Gods with Italian passports that were not issued in Sicily

301 AD - Magnetic compass invented in China. Cheaper Magnetic compass made in Taiwan. Men still go wrong with directions.

364 AD - The Japanese begin to spread their influence on Korea. The exercise continues till very recently, when LG pipped Sony to become the world's best selling LED TV.

433 AD - A year after St Patrick arrives in Ireland, the first Irish drinking song is written. The famous lyrics "aye di aye di aye di aye di aye di aye" was a contribution of one suitably drunk Di O'Bolic, who was busy introducing himself to everyone at the bar.

458 AD - The use of Zero is documented for the first time in an Indian Mathematical Treatise. The rest of the world responds with a terse "Thanks for Nothing!"

6th Century AD, King Arthur is born sometime in this century. Nobody however, remember his birthday ( or even birth year). He was perhaps the first man in history to have his cake and eat it too.

681 AD - Bulgars arrive in the Balkans. In the absence of any kind of security systems, like the Bulgar Alarms, the visitors set up an empire.

732 AD - Annual travelers around Europe are in a dilemma as to which is a better holiday spot - South France or Andalusia, Spain. This leads to a battle among the promoting countries, that's famously referred to as the Battle of the Tours. 

756 AD - The Mayans declare year 2012 as the end of the world. The entire civilization gets consumed by a Drink-until-you-die promotion launched by enterprising bar owners.

807 AD - The Beowulf turns 100. It was still considered too early to be celebrating with a Google Doodle.

917 AD - The Last of the Three Lions escape from England. They try and negotiate a payment deal with the circus owners at Madrid, Milan or even Munich during the January transfer season.

982 AD -  Leif Ericsson discovers America, but he couldn't find it on the map. Decides to go back home to Norway, and give his shrink a visit.

 We'll begin the next post with another monumental year, 1000 AD - when people were poor with dates, and History still had very few takers.






  

 

Mad Man's History Lessons: Timeline 1

6732 BC - Man discovers fire. He later uses it to destroy all other documents that provide evidence for his worthless existence up until then. For the first time in history, history is rewritten.

3724 BC - After nearly 3000 years of destroying his surroundings with fire, man discovers the wheel. One enterprising chap puts together three more wheels to use it as a vehicle so as to spread the effects of fire. Once every few years, he gets lost. So he invents a map, and gives it to his wife.

2918 BC - A geometry teacher loses his patience with an Egyptian king, who simply could not visualise the Pyramid. Decides to build a very large pyramid and then bury the king in it. A lesson to students who just refuse to understand.

1876 BC - After being beaten embarrassingly in a game of Jenga, one rich merchant in England swears revenge. After years of training, he beats his nemesis convincingly. And just to make his landmark victory known to the world, he recreates his opponent's moment of failure with 100 tonne stones. Thousands of years later, historians would still wonder what the Stone Henge was all about.

778 BC - Money first appears in Persia

776 BC - China makes its first move to kill world commerce by setting up an industry to manufacture counterfeit money

525 BC - First Naked Olympics organised. Much to the disappointment of male audiences, women refuse to participate!

431 BC - Pepolonnesian war begins. The lawyers on two sides agree on a peace treaty, but fail to agree on the spelling of Polenepposian. The impasse continues for 27 years, as does the war, before they finally zero in on Peloponnesian as a suitably long name to describe a highly confusing war.

214 BC - Tired of pesky neighbours, one Chinese king decides to build a wall. On seeing the noble king lay the first stone, millions of Chinese decide to become a part of history and lay one brick each. Some began to compete with their neighbours, by laying more bricks than the other. This competition goes on till a 1500-mile wall is built, and thoudands are rendered homeless because their families are left on the other side of the wall.

50 BC - Julius Caesar decides to go to France on a holiday, and ends up giving Goscinny and Uderzo enough material for over 30 comic books.

4 BC - Calender Manufacturers are given a four year deadline to standardise the measurement of years. Many try and attribute some significance to the year, so as to rename it. 

( The next installment of the timeline will begin from the time when man discovers the latest form of entertainment - blasphemy!) 

My Fair Lady - Movie Review

If I was to imagine what the Protagonist of this movie had to say, was he was to review it; here is how it would go, "Surely you've watched this one? If you haven't, I believe you've been deprived of some cultural upbringing, old chap. It's not you that's at fault. It's what's lacking in you. If you were to watch this movie carefully for six months, and learn every dialogue carefully, I'm sure you could give one Mr. Roger Ebert a run for his money.Or perhaps run a video store successfully, because at the very least, you'll possess a taste in cinema once I'm done with you."

Ludicrous as it sounds, but such is the rationale of Professor Henry Higgins. A word or perhaps two about this renowned academician - patronising and overbearing. Professor Higgins in a gifted linguist in his own eyes, while being an egotist par annoyance in full public view. He's the kind who may not take offence at what the author just called him, but would frown at the improper use of "par", and writhe in pain at the unsuccessful attempt at wordplay. Here's what he thinks of English speaking peoples ( "People!" as Higgins would insist)  - 

This is what the British population, 
Calls an elementary education.
Hear them down in Soho square, 
Dropping "h's" everywhere. 
Why can't the English teach their children how to speak? 
This verbal class distinction, by now, Should be antique. 
If you spoke as she does, sir, 
Instead of the way you do, 
Why, you might be selling flowers, too! 
Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse, 
Hear a Cornishman converse, 
I'd rather hear a choir singing flat.
Chickens cackling in a barn 
Just like this one! 
(Eliza responds with "Garn!")I ask you, sir, what sort of word is that? 
It's "Aoooow" and "Garn" that keep her in her place. 
Not her wretched clothes and dirty face.

At this juncture, we are introduced to Eliza Doolittle. Clearly a woman who's made it on her own as a flower seller, Eliza refused to be mocked at her modest upbringing. At which point, Henry makes a claim that would go on to define the movie. He would wager any amount to turn this modest flower girl into a woman who would be mistaken for royalty if only he was to impress upon her the virtues of the English language. While it was spoken in jest, the offer of a better lifestyle in exchange for a few days' lessons seemed too much to resist for poor Eliza. And she duly took up on the offer by appearing unannounced at the Professor's regal mansion.

The Terms and Conditions were agreed upon. " Eliza, you are to stay here for the next six months learning to speak beautifully, like a lady in a florist's shop. If you work hard and do as you're told, you shall sleep in a proper bedroom, have lots to eat, and money to buy chocolates and go for rides in taxis. But if you are naughty and idle, you shall sleep in the back kitchen amongst the black beetles, and be wolloped by Mrs. Pearce with a broomstick. At the end of six months you will be taken to Buckingham Palace, in a carriage, beautifully dressed. If the king finds out you are not a lady, you will be taken to the Tower of London, where your head will be cut off as a warning to other presumptuous flower girls! But if you are not found out, you shall have a present... of, ah... seven and six to start life with as a lady in a shop. If you refuse this offer, you will be the most ungrateful, wicked girl, and the angels will weep for you."

What follows is easily the most romantic movie you'll see never to feature a kiss. The build up comes from an interesting chemistry that the two protagonists share in their battle of egos. On one corner, you'll find a paragon of chauvinism with a penchant for PR that's Victorian in its form. Here's exhibit one,Why can't a woman be more like a man? 
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square; 
Eternally noble, historic'ly fair; 
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat. 
Well, why can't a woman be like that? 
Why does ev'ryone do what the others do? 
Can't a woman learn to use her head? 
Why do they do ev'rything their mothers do? 
Why don't they grow up- well, like their father instead? 
Why can't a woman take after a man? 
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please; 
Whenever you are with them, you're always at ease. 

On the other corner is a skinny Eliza Doolittle who by the sheer heart for a fight manages to punch well over her weight to stand up to condescending upper-class pricks like Higgins. Eliza 1 : Circumstances 0
" There'll be spring every year without you. England still will be here without you.
There'll be fruit on the tree. 
And a shore by the sea. 
There'll be crumpets and tea without you.

Art and music will thrive without you. Somehow Keats will survive without you.
And there still will be rain on that plain down in Spain, 
even that will remain without you.
I can do without you. "

Critics believe this movie was a triumph. Audrey Hepburn and Rex Harrison were suitable, if not the ideal selections for the characters they played. The screenplay was perhaps nothing more than a tasteful screen rendition of GB Shaw's Pygmalion, from which much of the wit is inherited.And the movie was perhaps not as entertaining as the Broadway production. It's impossible for us to make such a comparison. But to me, the movie is a triumph for reasons far beyond cinematic excellence.  

What I loved about this war of words is the underlying theme. A man is always judged by the words he speaks. It allows the world to place him immediately. At times, it also allows him the luxury of taking his place in society for granted. His actions however will always finish a distant second. It's a disease that's as rampant in India today, as it was in England when GB Shaw wrote Pygmalion. This sentiment is best expressed by Mr. Doolittle, father of Eliza, when he offered to "Sell" his daughter for a mere 50 pounds. When asked if he had any morals at all, the man replies in his inimitable dialect, " Nah. Nah, can't afford 'em, guv'nor. Neither could you, if you was as poor as me."

Rarely has such a powerful statement been made in a manner that's so delightful. Here's another dialogue that aptly sums up what the 3-hour movie is all about, "The difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated." To me, this is the essence of My Fair Lady.