Plain Broke!

I'm always fascinated by man's desire to hold on to things that are absolutely worthless. As a result, ones life is overly populated with objects that serve no purpose whatsoever. Seriously! Look around you. 

I have two sets of desktop speakers that have collectively done little else than occupy space and collect dust  since 2009, three phones that I used to carry before the one I’m currently using (which again is over two years old) and my old iPod shuffle that still contains the latest album I’d downloaded shortly after its release,(which is Ministry of Sound Annual 2007). Does the iPod still work, you ask. Well, I couldn’t say. I haven’t found the earphones that I last saw in…That’s right. 2007! Not to forget three expired ATM cards that were forced upon me every time I changed a job (and hence a salary account). Now I wonder if I also have the chequebook that I’d applied for in the summer of 2008. It must be here somewhere among all the 6 years’ Airtel bills that are still neatly tucked inside their respective envelops. (Just kidding! I switched to an email option three years back, so I only have bills up until June 2010)

I’m starting to believe that every object that is created today, especially those built for the betterment of mankind, is “designed” to serve the purpose only for a short while. After which, it only piles on. This applies to every modern-day gadget / appliance / tool except that VCD player you won as a gift at a game show. And that’s because you never even opened it from the case and packed it off as a gift at the next wedding you were invited to. And besides, you’d already graduated to DVDs by then, hadn't you?

The other exception is probably the 2 GB pendrive you got when you redeemed your Credit Card points for the first time. It still does its job of carrying as a souvenir a virus, at least one each from every single system it’s been plugged into.

 Now let me have a look at all the other things around me that I Once fell for like a ton of bricks when I first lay my eyes on them, but now only compete with me for some precious space in my room. A visiting card book, containing cards of people I'm never going to call again. An organizer with a parker pen neatly placed in a holder, used only once when my name had to be written. A 2009 Calendar featuring Bollywood hotties as shot by Daboo Ratnani. CD Album, carrying freeware CDs that still contain demo versions of Sonic the Hedgehog. An off-white coffee mug, that’s only been used to hold pens that don’t write anymore. 24 issues of GQ magazine, which I subscribed to hoping I’d upgrade my style as I approach the 30s. 36 issues of Time Magazine, which I subscribed to hoping that it would help me sound my age. And a digital weighing scale that needs recalibration every time I add a kilo.

But here’s where you’ll really feel shortchanged. When you are sold the idea of how functional these things are “designed” to be, they seem like something that’d you’d give your arm and leg to own. Like a spare kidney or something.  And for a while, it actually seems like your life actually depends on it. Like it is your only kidney or something. And all hell breaks loose when it suddenly stops working. Like you need a kidney transplant on the pronto or something. But after a while, it only contributes to the junk around you. Just like those empty bottles of alcohol, which might be the real reason why you need a spare kidney or something.

Your mobile phone is a fine example of how unnecessary these luxuries really are. As a device, your phone is actually meant to help you make calls when you are on the move. But surely, that’s not good enough. Today a phone needs to come with a PS3 integrated into it, along with a 52 inch LED screen, a Home Theatre system with surround sound, and if that’s still not enough, the whole of IMDB Top 250 loaded into it. So you never really find the time to use it make one phone call. How could you? (Battery) Life is too short and you have so much to do.  

All of which leads me to believe that thanks to all these - pardon the oxymoron - unnecessary necessities, life has become way too expensive. Which is why if any of these oddities broke one fine day, you feel really broke. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that if I were ever to live my life again, I’d reside in a distant village that was completely devoid of all these gadgets or luxuries. Yes, really. Okay, maybe I’ll carry just one iPad… and get a good broadband connection…and a functional microwave…oh wait, and a fully automatic washing machine…okay, and a set top box with all the sports channels…and a 52 inch LED TV…and a PS3...Oh and some good B&O speakers...and one e-book reader, with thousands of e-books…and a large refrigerator…and a lazyboy with a beer bottle holder...and a titanium credit card…That should suffice. Or would it?

The Lighter Side Of Smoking

If there's one thing that being a copywriter has taught me, it's this - "Can we see some more options?" I cant possibly imagine how many people have suffered multiple cerebral hemorrhages just thinking up more options for lines as simple as - "Mutual Fund Investments are subject to market risks. Please read the offer letter carefully before investing". I'm sure that was the fate of the guy who first coined the famous Statutory Warning  on cigarette packets. I'm sure coming up with multiple options for the same message proved to be more injurious to his health than the damn cigarettes anyway. Ever wondered what those rejected messages were like? Here goes:

Statutory Warning: Lighting a cigarette on the gas stove can be risky. Please consult experts before attempting such a task

Statuatory Warning: Smoking is injurious to your reputation. Please carry strong mints at all times.

Statuatory Warning: Smoking a cigarette is really cheap. Please tender exact change.

Statuatory Warning: Smoking a cigarette is the best way to blow your money. Please don't bother reading fine print before you invest.

Statuatory Warning: Life sucks anyway. Here's something for you to suck on.

Statuatory Warning: Smoking is legal. Just saying. 

Statuatory Warning: We are not allowed to advertise unless we say this. Just wanted to let you know.

Statuatory Warning: The proceeds from this sale will be utilized for Cancer research

Statutory Warning: Smoking during pregnancy will result in your child turning out to be the next Rahul Gandhi

Statutory Warning: Longer Cigarrettes. Because overcompensation is the only solution.

Statutory Warning: Best recommended for those times when you'll see no other action.

Statutory Warning: Ever wondered what Statutory meant? Brought to you by www.dictionary.com

Date a guy who wants to make Fraandship.

Date a guy who sends you a Fraand request. Because he will always want to take you to the nearest Café Coffee Day, while you are busy trying to be a girl who reads, writes, travels, or does all of the above while also perusing your spambox for mails from your exes, and belting a plate of Biryani.

Date a guy you found on facebook. Date a guy who’s never met you otherwise. Because he will always Like your comments. Even if you could only come up with creative variants of “Awesome”. Like “Osama”.

Find a guy who reads every FB post of yours. You’ll know that because he will always be the first one to leave a smiley as a comment.  He’s the one who types “awww” only because he means it. Do you see that weirdo who nearly choked to death when the oregano seasoning went down his wind pipe when he tried laughing? That’s the man. He usually cannot resist laughing, especially when he reads something LOL-worthy.

He’s the guy who always flashes his latest Micromax A116 Canvas HD while waiting at that coffee shop down your street. If you peek at his mug, the cup is empty. Peek again after a couple of hours, and it’s the same cup, because he’s too engrossed already to know that you’ve been waiting for him to leave so you can take his table. He’s just lost among the Likes and the Shares on his FB Newsfeed. Sit down. He might give you a stare, as most guys who spend every waking our poring on Facebook like to be interrupted by a divine apparition of a living breathing woman. Ask him if he likes his new phone.

Buy him another cup of coffee. He’ll love that. That’ll let him sit at the same table for another couple of hours.

Let him know what you really think of the latest “Keep Calm” meme post on his wall. See if he gets the sarcasm on your latest status message. Understand that if he says he understood “Chillaana hai to ‘India, India’ chillaana. ‘Pak Pak’ to murga bhi karta hai”, he’s saying that just to sound cool. Ask him if he likes the “World’s Most Interesting Man” meme or he would like to be the “World’s Most Interesting Man” meme.

It’s really easy to date a guy who has Rahul Dravid’s picture as his user pic. He could just be your friendly neighbourhood Rahul Roy. Or even that easily forgotten Rahul Mahajan, who was your classmate in school. But one thing he’ll always believe is he’s the Rahul who’ll sweep you off your feet with a well-timed, “Mar gaya Rahul”.

Just tag him on a nice FB post for his birthday. Include him in a generic status message that simply reads “Merry Christmas”, and he’ll assume it’s dedicated to him. Share any 9gag post on his wall, and it’ll make his day. Send him a link of the latest post from ‘I Fucking Love Science’ and he’ll love your fucking intelligence. Understand that he knows the difference between FB and life, but he’ll go out of his way to turn his life into a FB newsfeed. And it’ll never be your fault if he does.

Lie to him. He’ll know that you only did it to maintain your FB reputation. It’s not the end of the world. Okay, his world.

Fail him. Because the guy who updates his FB status every hour knows that not every post will be Liked by his 2038 friends. Because a guy who updates his status knows that there’s always the next FB post. That you can always write another status message that’ll get likes. At least 10 likes. That life is meant to at least have one post or two every day that you’ll be forced to delete.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? The guy who posts some celebrity’s post as his userpic knows that you don’t anything like Deepika Padukone, whose picture you may have used as a userpic.

 If you find a guy who wants to make fraandship, keep him close. When you find him up at 2 AM clutching his smartphone so close to his eyes that it starts watering, make him a cup of tea and hold him. You may lose him for a couple of hours but he will always come back to you. He’ll talk as if the farm he built in Farmville 2 is real, because for a while, it always is.

He will propose by tagging you on a post with a picture of a hot air balloon. Or picture of aging rock star, along with his lyrics. Or very casually next time you are online. Yes, his writing will be on your wall.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your brain hasn’t burst and bled out all over your shoulders yet. You will write the story of your lives through FB status messages. You’ll have kids with strange names belonging to strangers you were stalking together on Facebook. He will introduce your children to Mafia Wars and Criminal Case, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and he will read out the latest Y U No meme under his breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a guy who wants to make fraandship because you deserve it. You deserve a guy who can add colour to your dull Facebook wall. If you plan to ignore his Facebook posts later in life, then you’re better off ignoring his friend request. But if you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a guy who reads every post of yours on Facebook. Twice.

Or better yet, date a guy who always has the last LOL.

Better Than The Best?

Think you are the best in business? I don't know what to tell you, old chap. On second thoughts, I do. You are behind times. Really! Being the best in business is a prehistoric proposition that every enterprise worth its best practices have told you since one man accidentally coined that phrase. The man in question was probably something of a head-hunting hitman from the 30s with a penchant for PR that was at least 73 years ahead of time. From the days when businesses were run in ramshackle warehouses, and when the top management not only wore suits, but also carried Tommy rifles. To be the best in business, you only had to be good enough to kill the man at the top.

Times may have changed, but cliches remain the same. Everybody and their Facebook fans from Timbuktu claims to be the best in business. Even those who have no business to use that phrase. Just check out flipkart.com, search for management books, and count the number of times you hear the words "excellence", "best", "leadership"and "great". Oh and did you also notice that each of the aforementioned words are "bestsellers"? "Seven Habits Of Really Great People, " How To Win Friends And Become Great", " How To Hold On To Great, And Save Your Organisation From Being Reduced To Merely Good", " How To Protect Great With A Secure Payment Gateway So That Chinese Hackers Cannot Steal Your Great Ideas And Come Up With Great Imitations?"

I wonder what all this means. So are we to believe that good is not good enough. Is "good" a word that you'll only use to describe your bowel movement in the morning? Is it because there is no room for good in our lives? Have we transformed into beasts that only demand the best? The kinds who'd tell a certain artist from Venice, " While your work is impressive, you'll have to do something about that smile. The Target Group has no time to ponder over the question of whether it's a half-smile, or half-scowl. And can we please change the name from Mona Lisa to something that strikes a chord with the youth of today. For any product to come alive, it needs to be something that the youth want to be associated with, and whose pictures they'd share on Facebook and Twitter. So please carry out the changes that are suggested. And can you mail me the revised work tonight? I'd like to check it out first thing the morning."

I  believe this "striving for the best" is a creature that has also taken control of our lives, because we seem to settle for nothing less. When we buy a TV, it's the best. When we tune into a sports channel, it's the best. When we fix a match, it's the best...our money can buy.

The case is much stronger when people turn into parents. They only want the best for their child. Best school. Best fast food. Best dentists. Why, parents want the best for their children even before they are born. The minute they hear of pregnancy, expecting mothers stop doing things they normally do, like go to the best bars, drink the best booze, and nurse the best hangovers. Instead, they'd do things that are better, like go to the best restaurants, eat the best chocolates, and play the best word games on their smartphones. The belief being that when they are born, their babies will come fully prepared to take the GRE. But you don't have to take my word for it. Because I can't really call myself the best in business.

IPL 2013 or Jumping Jepang Season 1

After watching Sunrisers Hyderabad make it to the playoff, I was convinced of one thing - IPL is definitely the stuff dreams are made of. Only in the world that has IPL can any team, even those whose catchment area produces nothing more than a bunch of schoolboys who get dismissed for 21 in First-class cricket, get a realistic shot at glory. Only in the world of IPL can a team whose players have already thrown in the towel still end up coming third in a league of nine. Only in the world of IPL can Shah Rukh stretch out his arms in public while Lata Mangeshkar's voice croaks," La la la la la la la la la la ( repeat 37 times for effect)".

We are now so much into this whole sports entertainment thingie, that we cant wait to watch the commercials that will be aired on the 26th May ( Promise! Read this if doubt my love for IPL). So much so that we've been trying to imagine what new surprises are going to unfold in the next week, until May 26th, when Ravi Shastri will hand over the highly ornate and grotesque Indian Premier League trophy to the game of Cricket. Here's our list of predictions:

May 21st: Qualifier 1 is abandoned, owing to an unforeseen traffic jam outside the Indira Gandhi Airport, the team bus is forced to take a U-turn and enter the airport runway to catch the last direct flight to Ranchi, where the match will be replayed the following day, due to the fact that the Eliminator match is scheduled at the Kotla the same day.

May 22nd: Crowd anger forces all four teams to reach Kotla. Confusion ensues as the spectators for both the games end up reaching the stadium. A compromise is reached. Two 8-over matches will be played. The first game will be the qualifier featuring Mumbai and Chennai. The second game featuring Hyderabad and Rajasthan.  The crowd for the first game will be asked to vacate seats immediately for those spectators who had reserved tickets for the 9:45 show...err match.

May 22nd, Match 1: The first match begins and very predictably ... it goes down the wire. There's two runs required of the last ball, Mumbai is 9 wickets down with Pollard facing the inimitable Ravindra Jadeja. In the most expected of anticlimaxes, Ravindra Jadeja bowls a quicker one, which beats Pollard, and he's caught plumb in front of the wicket. The Chennai goes up in unison. The umpire Asnani  says, "Sorry. I sneezed just as Sir Jadeja bowled, so I didn't notice. Third Umpire, help maadi!" The TV replays suggested that Jadeja had clearly overstepped, so it was a no-ball. Then in the most obvious of situations, cameras also detected Pollard quickly kicking the ball away immediately after it hit him on the pad. He's declared out for obstructing the field. It's a tie! The super over fell just short of the wire, when Mumbai score 23 runs for the loss of one wicket, while the Chennai openers remain unbeaten on 12. Mumbai proceed to the finals.

May 22nd, Match 2: For the longest time, it seemed like cricket would be the winner. But once the match eventually started at 1: 30 pm in front of an empty Kotla stadium. the organisers made it more interesting by having a bilateral series of tosses between the two captains. At the end of the 5-match series, Hyderabad beat Rajasthan 4-1, with Cameron White displaying his value to the team by coming back from 1-0 to calling 4 consecutive tosses correctly. "After winning two tosses, we didn't want to lose momentum, so I went for the kill", said a calm White. Hyderabad to play Chennai in the Eliminator.

May 23rd, 2013:  When N Srinivasan calls a press conference, one Sreesanth look-alike suddenly appears out of nowhere and hurls a match box and runs away. Out of nowhere (not where Sree look alike turned up) a Dhoni look-alike dives in front of Srini and saves a certain embarrassment with a smart one handed catch. Out of another nowhere, a Bhajji look-alike shows up infront of the Sree lookalike, and gives him one tight slap. " Throwing matches again, are you?", says the proud Sardar. The Dhoni look-alike gifts the Sree look-alike a single match stick to Sree look-alike saying, " At least you'll see some light in jail." At the end of this staged act, we are assured that this is a Guerrilla campaign for Ship Matches - The Real Match Winner!

May 24th, 2013: Just a few hours before the start of the Qualifier two between Chennai and Hyderabad, the trading end season trading window opens, allowing surviving teams to buy players from eliminated teams. Chennai are quick to buy Watson and Faulkner to add to their list of all-rounders. Mumbai buys out Narine, Gayle and Warner to beef up their team. The owners of Hyderabad are too broke, so Sanga, Parthiv, White, Steyn, Ishant, Mishra and Dhawan go dutch and pick up...Venugopal Rao to boost their batting line up.

May 24th, 2013: Everything goes according to the script when Sunrisers pay a homage to Deccan Chargers (basically the  last year's outfits) by getting mustering up a par score of 119/9 in 20 overs. Everything goes as per script when Chennai require three runs of one ball when Ashish attempts a slower yorker only to trip on his own shoe lace, and letting the ball fly directly to the vacant fine leg region. 7 wides are declared and Chennai proceed to the finals.

May 25th, 2013: The whole nation goes dizzy when they wake up to the news of Farah Khan entering the parliament house and teaching all the ministers what dance step to perform every time a state government falls. The Ministers are seen performing the "Jumping Jepang" in super Slo-mo, with Navjot Singh Sidhu providing expert political commentary. 

May 26, 2013: In a moment worthy of Star Plus Nayi Soch award, N Srinivasan turns the IPL Final into a reality show that will be judged by Anu Mallik, Sanjiv Kapoor and Raghu. The winner is decided by an SMS poll by the audience. After three hours of intense drama, which required Harbhajan to pair up with Farah Khan for an impromptu gig, the audience send in millions of votes, and thanks to thousands of votes coming in from Maharashtra and Gujrat, Urvashi Dholakia is declared the joint winner of IPL Season 6 along with...You're right! Cricket. But then, you saw that coming, didn't you?
 

Dust If You Must

 Just read this fine poem and had to share it here. Cant seem to trace the poet, since it seems to be attributed to many. Whoever wrote this one is surely one fine poet.

Dust if you must.
But wouldn’t it be better,
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed?
Ponder the difference between want and need.

Dust if you must.
But there is not much time
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb!
Music to hear, and books to read,
Friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must.
But the world’s out there
With the sun in your eyes,
the wind in your hair,
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come round again.

Dust if you must.
But bear in mind,
Old age will come and it’s not kind.
And when you go, and go you must,
You, yourself, will make more dust.

Snappy Replies at IPL's Post Match Ceremonies

IPL perhaps boasts of everything any bollywood summer blockbuster can ask for - damsels with great faces and greater legs, overweight men indulging in breath taking action (with a little help from stunning camerawork of course), occasional foreign hand or two ruffling some feathers and raking up some controversy,  opposition captains plotting deviously to upset your happy ending, periodic song and dance,  and of course, three hours of watching damsels with great faces and greater legs. Where IPL makes for great entertainment in each of the aforementioned practices, it loses out greatly in one department - dialogue. The problem is match in and match out, the winning captains and losing captains are subjected to the same drill of post match ceremonies. Coming as it is at the end of the match, the anchor is blessed with hindsight that's fueled by Quikr Super Sixer, Super Fours by More supermarket and Fall of Wickets by IRCTC Tickets. the unsuspecting captains however have no such benefit, given that they don't have the luxury of watching Laxman Sivaramakrishnan doing a Jumping Japang Jumpak Jampak with Rameez Raja while playing the game. That makes it an uneven match doesn't it? So to all the participating captains at the IPL, here's a guide to dish out some entertaining stuff at the post match ceremonies:

Question: As a captain, you must have believed that there were enough runs on the board. what happened after that?

Answer: Well, lads and I decided that we've had a long day at work, so watching an episode of Balika Vadhu will help us relax. It didn't work.

Question: But the home team was dealing in boundaries. Is there anything you could have done at that point?

Answer: Yes. I could have retired from the game, suited up, stepped into the commentary box, and tried
crafting a more creative question.

Question: What does a captain do when everything he tries seems to fail?

Answer: The secret lies in never having a shave before a match. It's moments like these when you can indulge in age old practice of gently stroking your 5 'o clock shadow.

Question: What do you tell your team in the face of such a brutal onslaught?

Answer: I ask them if any of them are downloading a Blue-ray rip of Iron Man 3D on their laptops in the dressing room. At the end of the day, I carry my Portable Harddrive to their rooms and extract some new downloads in exchange for some old porn.

Question: Tell us what was running in your mind when you took that sensational catch at long on?

Answer: If I did not pluck the ball out of thin air as you put it, I could picture the team owners chasing me with power tools after the match. So I had to take that catch.

Question: Now how did you take the skier at the boundary?

Answer: You see I was just minding my own business walking around the park when some geezer decided to take the bowler to the cleaners. Now that would have been quite alright under normal circumstances. But I had to interefere when the ball was headed straight for the...cheerleader's face. Call me old fashioned, but there are better ways of attracting the attention of a pretty lady than throwing a 1 KG projectile aimed at her head.

Question: What's the mood like in the dugout?

Answer: Everyone's busy, checking out their laptops and iPads, signing into to facebook and twitter, trying their hand at writing a #SirRavindraJadeja tweet, or RTing the ones that MS Dhoni wrote on his wall. Just another day in office, I guess.

Question: At the end of the day, it must be very difficult for an international cricketer like you to lead an IPL team?

Answer: Not quite. This is just a fantastic annual vacation. Every year I fly down to Hyderabad, and stay at a 5-star deluxe hotel. We get to check out eight other cities over two months. And at the end of each of the 16 matches, we head out to a club and party till the wee hours of the morning. Occasionally, I'm hungover when I have to board a flight, but a strip of Avomin is a small price to pay in exchange for all the partying and travelling and great food and great women and of course the USD 570,000 that I get paid at the end of it. Yea, I could have probably got more, but hey! That's far better than staying back home in Brisbane without a job.

Question: The crowds here seem to love you. Do you have any words for them?

Answer: NO actually I dont. But lets try: Hey people! Thanks for coming in. And dont forget to follow me on twitter. I'm just 53,096 followers short of a million. Peace!